What to say when someone invites you to something in college

YES!

Let me explain. 

Last week I woke up in such a good mood. It was just one of those days where you actually feel motivated and energized. I work like I feel that way every day, but I don't always feel that way. Today I did, and on days like that I don't like to be alone. 

So I texted a friend whom I know has some flexibility in her day (she's a college professor) and asked her if she wanted to meet me for tea that afternoon. I didn't have a car that day so I needed her to drive pretty far to come pick me up. I didn't think she'd be able to, but I had to ask because I really needed someone to bounce all the energy and ideas I was having off of. 

To my surprise, she said she'd head over soon to pick me up!

When I got in the car, I told her how excited I was that she just said yes, and she told me this:

"I made a rule for myself in college that anytime someone invites me to something I should just say 'yes,' and I still use that rule today."

I love this!

And okay, so of course there are exceptions. I'm not talking about dating or parties or doing anything dangerous or any other kind of other college shenanigans. ;) 

Nor am I saying you need to say "Yes" to everything. You don't need to do everything in college. But when someone first invites you to something, you should make it a rule to say yes. The "rule" part helps re-train your brain that's probably conditioned to say 'no.' Your brain says, 'new is scary,' and 'routine is safe.'

And once you there it doesn't mean you have to keep saying yes - yes to the friendship, yes to joining a club, etc. But if you don't say yes initially, you'll never know what you might be missing. 

This is especially for all the commuters out there:

Stop going to class and going home!

When someone invites you to a club meeting or event, say yes and go.

When someone invites you to lunch or coffee, say yes and go. 

And if no one is inviting you, start inviting other people until someone says yes.

Don't take the no's personally, but don't be the one who's saying 'no' either.

Nine times out of ten you may not have a life-changing wonderful time. But you create opportunities for that one time that changes everything. That new best friend. That club you become an officer in that wins you a scholarship or gets you into your dream transfer university. That really fun time in college that you'll talk about for decades to come. That idea you get from a great conversation. 

When I started community college I just went to class and went home too. I didn't know there was more.

Then a girl invited me to a Phi Theta Kappa meeting. 

I said yes. 

I became an officer. Then President. 

At one of our Phi Theta Kappa meetings I learned about the Jack Kent Cooke Scholarship.

And then I won it - $110,000 that paid for my bachelor's degree and master's degree. 

That would have never happened if I'd said 'no.'

Don't wait until you're not scared or it seems easy - because you might be waiting for ever.

Just say yes.

The craziest thing you can do in college

If you're looking for a wild idea for your college experience, one that's right on the edge - risky - that could even cause you to possibly not graduate, then you've come to the right place.

No, I'm not talking about any nutty party antics (did I just say "nutty?"....yeah...you can tell I've never been a party person).

What I am talking about is the craziest thing college students do - something that makes NO sense, and yet something the majority of students do when they start out - myself included.

It's a crazy thing that you should STOP as soon as possible if you want to be successful in college. But for the most part it's impossible to stop until someone tells you why you should.

What am I talking about?

Doing college alone. 

I spoke to students about college completion yesterday and the Student Life Director who hired me told me about a term her colleague had come up with - "PCP students." It stood for their typical college routine:

Parking Lot - Class - Parking Lot.

In my book I call that drive-thru education.

And it's crazy. It's nutty. It doesn't make sense. And it's the most insane thing you can do.

Because NO ONE DOES COLLEGE SUCCESSFULLY ALONE.

College completion is a team sport.

And trying to do it alone is like one football player - no matter how good he might be - trying to play against an entire team. It makes no sense. He doesn't have a chance. He'll lose, and the dangerous part is that he may think it's his fault - that he's not good enough, that maybe he's not cut out for this.

But the truth is that he's trying to play a team sport alone. He could be great with a team. 

The same is true for you.

I think one of the major reasons students drop out of college is they don't understand how to get connected beyond the PCP routine. 

This is especially relevant to commuter students, of which most community college students are. 

When I started community college I was crazy too. I just went to class and went home. I didn't know there was anything more to do. I figured that was basically all that was important.

Class, of course, IS the most important thing in college. BUT - your ability to stay engaged and do your best in class is also affected by the team you've build around you to help you succeed.

I'm talking about having friends to study with, having professors whose offices you can frequent to ask for help and advice, and knowing the right staff throughout the college who can help you manage your entire college experience (e.g. see 15 places you must visit on your college campus).  

Don't be crazy and try to do college alone. Even Harvard students have a team of over six types of mentors to help them navigate the experience. Everyone needs help!!

Here are three steps to start building your team and not be a crazy person ;) ==>

1) Go visit the Student Life office on your campus and ask about clubs and other events and opportunities they offer. Then make it a priority in your schedule to GO. Join your favorite club. Become an officer.

2) Visit your professors during their office hours to ask about advice on an upcoming assignment, check in with a current assignment you're working on to make sure you're on the right track, or ask their advice about a question you're having about college in general. 

3) Build free-time in your schedule next semester in between classes. Do not schedule your classes back-to-back. Space them out to force yourself to stay on campus where you'll have the time to meet people, ask for help, and explore all the hidden opportunities at your college (as well as having important time to do your HW in the library!). As much as possible, try to work only on nights and weekends so you can dedicate your weekdays to having a successful college experience. 

Okay, so stop being a nutty crazy pants and go build your college success team! You're now officially out of excuses, because now you know. ;)

Oh and BONUS tip - my book is literally all about how to build your college success team. It includes how to make friends, exactly what you can ask professors, and sample e-mail scripts to reach out to professional mentors. Check it out here!

College To-Do List Week 17: The best way to make friends & win scholarships

Are you sick of this coral tank-top yet? lol. 

I filmed the college to-do list all in one day back in Miami, so sorry for the single-note wardrobe. Ha. Hope the tips are helping!

Please let me know how you're doing with the to-do list items in the comments below or at isa@isaadney.com. How many items have you done? What results have you seen?

I'd love to possibly share your success story at the end of this series! 

It's really important to me to hear what you're going through and how I can use this blog (and the YouTube channel) to help. I want to hear from you! :)

P.S. The vlog above is about becoming a leader in a club. Most people only think about this in the fall semester, but spring is a great time to look into clubs as many officers will be graduating and clubs will be looking for new leaders!

College To Do List Week 6: Make plans with friends

The holidays are a great time to spend with family, but the free time from college can also offer you some time to spend with friends (without all that exam stress hanging over you). 

I travel a lot during the college semesters, but like you in the winter time I get a little break. In addition to spending time reading and planning for next year, I also try to spend as much time with friends as possible. 

And it's wonderful. 

But, as I'm sure you already know, as you get older more effort is required to hang out with friends. Schedules get busy and thus plans (ahead of time) have to be made.

So today my charge to you is to not sit around waiting for someone to ask you to hang out. Be proactive, and start making plans with people you enjoy spending time with.

Don't worry if everyone can't always hang out - keep asking until some plans are made. I'm sure you already know what would be fun to you, but here are some ideas:

Coffee/tea
Theme parks
Movies
Holiday events in your community
Lunch/Dinner
Bake/cook at your place
Sleepover
Video games
See a play
Play a sport
Sign up for a 5K and train with friends
Trivia nights
Hiking/biking
Do Christmas shopping together
Have a wrapping party 
Volunteer with a non-profit

So pick an activity and text a friend. Then laugh and enjoy this study-free time for all it's worth.

Why I still get scared to get involved

As you might already know, I wrote a book about networking for college students, and why it's so important to get involved and meet people in college. 

I got involved in my community college and my university and joined everything I could. 

I read at least five books on networking each year and speak to college students around the country about networking and college success. 

I meet people all the time and get involved in new opportunities whenever I can because I believe relationships are the key to success in everything.

But I still get scared out of my mind every time I get involved in something new where I know I'm going to meet new people. 

I recently got an e-mail to attend Leadership Stetson, a leadership program for alumni at my alma mater. I applied, because that's what I do. 

And then I got accepted. Uh-oh, I thought, Now I actually have to do this. And at this moment, all of my defenses kick in: Do I really need to do this? Will it be worth my time? Why do I need to do this? Don't I have other stuff you need to do that weekend? 

But I RSVP that I will attend. 

I continue to resist, all the way up to Friday night when I drive to the college for the opening reception. As I'm driving, I can physically feel everything in my body telling me to turn the car around. I feel slightly short of breath, anxious, wondering, What will I say to people? How will I know who to talk to? I won't know anybody. I'll probably be the youngest person there. No one will want to talk to me. Why am I doing this?!

But I keep driving. 

And of course, by the end of the weekend, I'm hugging new friends good-bye, clutching my iPad filled with new ideas and inspirations from the experience, thinking, I'm so glad I didn't miss this. 

Throughout this entire experience, I also kept thinking of you. 

I remembered how absolutely terrifying it is to try something new, to go to college for the first time, to transfer schools, to attend a club event when you don't know anyone, to visit a new professor during office hours, and to strike up a conversation with a stranger in class. This stuff is HARD. Scary. 

And this weekend I realized I'm still scared all the time.

Despite the many amazing experiences I've had and the knowledge that every new experience will bring growth and new relationships, my brain still doesn't get it. 

It still washes me over in fear and tries to get me not to do anything but stay in my apartment and work on my computer (kind of like how your brain might tell you to just go to class and go home and not bother with anything extra).

So the next time you feel anxious about trying something new, don't wait for the fear to subside before you make a decision - because it'll probably never go away. 

Instead, just do it (I've come to appreciate Nike's branding genius lately). 

Act in spite of fear. In spite of laziness. In spite of all your doubts.

Your action will turn resistance into persistence, your greatest ally in success. 

What to do if you're a city mouse in a small community college

One of my YouTube subscribers asked me a great question about his community college situation, which I answered in the video below! You can ask me your question at advice@communitycollegesuccess.com (you'll remain anonymous unless you request otherwise). You never know - your question could help a lot of other people :)

How to find alternatives to the college party scene

Okay so I have to be 100% honest with you – I am not an expert when it comes to the college party scene.

My favorite college night hangouts included making cupcakes with girlfriends, watching chick-flicks, and chatting until 3am.

(Actual cupcakes made by me and my friends in college. Yum.) 

And I think one of my readers is the same way. Recently, I got the following e-mail at advice@communitycollegesuccess.com:

What do you do when everyone around just wants to go out downtown to bars and clubs and drink a lot and you're the Taylor-Swift girl in the corner that wants to see and do other things in the world besides that? It's getting kinda awkward and hard to find people who share my same interest, especially in a party university. It’s not that I don't enjoy a good party every now and then, because I do. I just don't want to do it every single weekend like a good majority of my college’s population does. What should I do?

While in college it can often seem like everyone is partying, the truth is that they’re not. It’s kind of like when you drive by the rich part of your area and you feel like everyone is richer than you. But in reality…it’s just the 1% and most people are driving beat-up cars and live in apartments. Realize that you’re not alone. There are people in your college who have similar interests as you; they may just be too hesitant to do something different – or they might be feeling alone too.

So with that in mind, below are my three tips to help you enjoy your college life while staying true to yourself, whatever your college party style may be: 

1) Get involved in clubs. Most campuses have a wide variety of clubs, activities, and organizations that have a continual calendar of events and entertainment. They also tend to draw like-minded people. Diversifying your friendships is important, but when it comes to what you like to do on Friday night, it can be nice to have people around who enjoy the same things.  Clubs are a great way to start. Keep trying different ones until they click – and then just start showing up to their events.

2) Be a planner. If you’re not that interested in the current invitations you’re getting, try being the one who is the inviter. Plan events and hangouts around what you enjoy doing, and then start inviting other people. You don’t have to have 20 people – in fact most of the best times often happen doing interesting things with a few close friends.

To start, there are always movies, concerts, and sports events (especially if your college has a great athletics program). You can also explore the area around you and try new things. Some of my favorite friend activities included paint-your-own pottery places, making jewelry, going to the beach, shopping consignment, finding new coffee shops, museums, riding roller coasters, and going to this place where you make your own pancakes on a grill right on your table.

Enjoying the aquarium w/ some of my fav college friends.

And never underestimate a good night out with your friends at the Cheesecake Factory or Kobe’s (not paid advertisements…but I will take free cheesecake and fried rice for life).

3) Enjoy time alone. Things are always more fun when you are in control of how you are spending your time. Never feel like you have to go to an event just because it’s what 'everyone' is doing. Have the courage to stick to what is fun to you, and know that sometimes that may mean you’ll be alone for a few hours. Develop things you like to do on your own too, and know that when you turn down doing something that isn’t really your thing, you’re developing a kind of maturity that will serve you well for the rest of your life.

College should be fun and I encourage you to continue to find creative ways to have it. The key is to surround yourself with people who share your definition of fun, whatever it may be.

Trust me, they are out there. And they will be most attracted to hanging out with you when you are truly yourself and happily committed to doing what you love during your free time. 

Be the Bright Spot in Someone’s Cloudy Day

I am a huge fan of Dale Carnegie’s classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.

I actually referenced one of my favorite lines from the book in my graduation speech at Stetson University:

“Tell me how you get your feeling of importance, and I’ll tell you what you are.”

I think we all crave to feel important, valued, and appreciated.

I also think that one of the saddest realities about our world is that many are often lacking the human interaction, compassion, and encouragement that fulfills that personal craving. 

Ever felt alone? Unimportant? Forgotten? 

So, while it has been a few years since I graduated college and shared this concept with my fellow graduates, I wanted to revisit the challenge that I issued that day.

For you. And for myself. 

The challenge was, and still is, to overcome the mechanical nature of our social transactions. 

In retail, in fast food, in hallways, in stores, in classrooms, and in some of our own friendships.

Smile. Look a person in the eye. 

Ask them how they are doing. And mean it.

And then pause to really listen.

Invite an old Facebook friend out to coffee. Call a friend who you haven’t gotten back to in a while. Apologize to someone you know you’ve wronged. Reach out to someone new in class.

Because you’ll never know the kind of impact these small things will have. 

We shouldn’t measure ourselves by how important others think we are. We should measure ourselves by how important we make others feel.

In short, be the bright spot in someone's cloudy day.

Top 5 Surprising Ways to Increase Your Popularity

When you think of popularity you probably think of snobby girls with Louis Vuttion purses or some version of the movie mean girls.  This is not the kind of popularity I am talking about. I just wanted to get your attention ;)

The better term would be likeable. Most "popular" people by our cultural definition are not necessarily likable. 

Being "popular" in that sense is not desirable. But being likeable is an incredibly valuable skill that can serve you well in every aspect of your life - (e.g. social, academic, professional, and self-esteem). 

So how do you be someone whom most people like? Someone who is popular on your campus amongst both students and professors. Someone people truly want to be around.

First of all you do not need your own reality TV show. Nor do you need to buy a designer purse. 

Start by asking yourself these questions: Do people like to be around you? Would people cheer loudly and genuinely for you if you won an award? Do people root for you, wish for your success, invite you to things, recommend you to other people?

I started thinking a lot about this quality after a big awards ceremony at my work where many employees won a variety of awards. There was a lot of obligatory applause, but when one janitor won an award for his many years of service the place electrified with people’s hoots and hollers and genuine excitement for this employee.

He was the only one who got a standing ovation. My eyes watered a bit as I stood there and clapped voraciously as I thought about our interaction just the day before – an interaction that I realized he must have had with all 800 pairs of clapping hands.

 It was a Monday and my week hadn’t gotten off to a good start. I was tired, feeling sick, stressed about some budget stuff, and was feeling a wave of negativity threaten to set the tone for my entire week.

And then this janitor popped his head into my office with the enthusiasm of a 10-year-old in the middle of recess and the sincerity of a mother and said “hi how are you doing today?” And he actually wanted to know how I was doing. His smile and genuine inquiry was literally a ray of light that burst through the dark clouds over my head and I instantly felt better. He made my day.

He was the most popular person at that awards banquet because he had at some point made everyone’s day in that room.

Do you make other people’s days? Are you that likeable? If not – you can be.

Being likeable builds confidence, helps you build relationships, and build a large social network that can support you. I heard in a recent training that people with genuine friends and positive social groups live longer.

Below are the top 5 things you can start doing today to be a more popular/likeable person wherever you are.

1. Smile

No one likes to be around someone who is grumpy all the time. Think about how you feel when a baby smiles at you. And what do you typically have to do to get a baby to smile at you? Smile.

People are naturally attracted to a smile. And bonus: when you smile – even if inside you’re not having such a great day – the act of smiling will help you feel better too.

So wherever you go, take time to look people in the eye and smile – even strangers. You will brighten their day, exude positive energy, and they will naturally want to be around you.  

(note: this can be very difficult to accomplish with the intense pull of the cell phone. How many times are you looking at your phone when walking down the hall. How many opportunities for smiling do you miss? How many times have you had a conversation with a friend while texting someone else at the same time? (guilty). Just because we can multi-task like this doesn’t mean it is healthy. As technology gets even more intense, it is the people who have the self-control to know when to put it away and create genuine connection with others who will be the most popular and successful).

2. Ask questions

How often do we ask people questions like “how are you doing?” but never really care about the response? Ask people questions about who they are, what’s going on in their life, and what interests they have. People love a great storyteller, but no one likes to be around people who constantly talking about themselves.  People will love you if you’re the kind of person who is always curious about who they are – the kind of person who asks a question and truly wants to know the answer. 


3. Listen

When people talk, too often we’re just thinking about what we’re going to say next. Instead, really listen to what others are saying and take mental notes  (or even real notes sometimes) about what you learn about them. If you bring up some of those details next time you talk you will blow them away with your ability to remember what is important to them.  People will love you for this.

4. Be positive

Life of course isn’t always wonderful, but you know those constant glass-half-empty people who always seem to have something to complain about? They can be exhausting to be around and people usually try to get away from them as often as possible. No need to be a Pollyanna, but people like people who are encouraging and positive. Take a look at your past 10 Facebook updates. How are you doing when it comes to projecting positivity and genuine connections with others?  How many “likes” do you get on something positive versus something really negative?

5. Compliment people

The best way you can make someone’s day is to give a compliment. Genuinely notice the people around you – and not just what they’re wearing but also who they are. Compliment people on their character, the way they handled a situation, or something you appreciate/admire about their personality. 

Think about compliments people have given you recently. How did they make you feel? How do you in turn feel about that person? You probably like them a lot. 

Is your "college-self" different from your "high-school self"?

Check out this week's vlog where I answer one student's question about feeling stuck in her high school identity and what wacky thing I did to alter my identity my first year of college. Also find out why this one was shot outside :)