The craziest thing you can do in college

If you're looking for a wild idea for your college experience, one that's right on the edge - risky - that could even cause you to possibly not graduate, then you've come to the right place.

No, I'm not talking about any nutty party antics (did I just say "nutty?"....yeah...you can tell I've never been a party person).

What I am talking about is the craziest thing college students do - something that makes NO sense, and yet something the majority of students do when they start out - myself included.

It's a crazy thing that you should STOP as soon as possible if you want to be successful in college. But for the most part it's impossible to stop until someone tells you why you should.

What am I talking about?

Doing college alone. 

I spoke to students about college completion yesterday and the Student Life Director who hired me told me about a term her colleague had come up with - "PCP students." It stood for their typical college routine:

Parking Lot - Class - Parking Lot.

In my book I call that drive-thru education.

And it's crazy. It's nutty. It doesn't make sense. And it's the most insane thing you can do.

Because NO ONE DOES COLLEGE SUCCESSFULLY ALONE.

College completion is a team sport.

And trying to do it alone is like one football player - no matter how good he might be - trying to play against an entire team. It makes no sense. He doesn't have a chance. He'll lose, and the dangerous part is that he may think it's his fault - that he's not good enough, that maybe he's not cut out for this.

But the truth is that he's trying to play a team sport alone. He could be great with a team. 

The same is true for you.

I think one of the major reasons students drop out of college is they don't understand how to get connected beyond the PCP routine. 

This is especially relevant to commuter students, of which most community college students are. 

When I started community college I was crazy too. I just went to class and went home. I didn't know there was anything more to do. I figured that was basically all that was important.

Class, of course, IS the most important thing in college. BUT - your ability to stay engaged and do your best in class is also affected by the team you've build around you to help you succeed.

I'm talking about having friends to study with, having professors whose offices you can frequent to ask for help and advice, and knowing the right staff throughout the college who can help you manage your entire college experience (e.g. see 15 places you must visit on your college campus).  

Don't be crazy and try to do college alone. Even Harvard students have a team of over six types of mentors to help them navigate the experience. Everyone needs help!!

Here are three steps to start building your team and not be a crazy person ;) ==>

1) Go visit the Student Life office on your campus and ask about clubs and other events and opportunities they offer. Then make it a priority in your schedule to GO. Join your favorite club. Become an officer.

2) Visit your professors during their office hours to ask about advice on an upcoming assignment, check in with a current assignment you're working on to make sure you're on the right track, or ask their advice about a question you're having about college in general. 

3) Build free-time in your schedule next semester in between classes. Do not schedule your classes back-to-back. Space them out to force yourself to stay on campus where you'll have the time to meet people, ask for help, and explore all the hidden opportunities at your college (as well as having important time to do your HW in the library!). As much as possible, try to work only on nights and weekends so you can dedicate your weekdays to having a successful college experience. 

Okay, so stop being a nutty crazy pants and go build your college success team! You're now officially out of excuses, because now you know. ;)

Oh and BONUS tip - my book is literally all about how to build your college success team. It includes how to make friends, exactly what you can ask professors, and sample e-mail scripts to reach out to professional mentors. Check it out here!

50 Ways to Make Friends in Community College

The number one thing students e-mail me about is how to make friends in college. While some people may think students should be worried about other things - I get it completely.

The first section of my book is literally about how to make friends in college and why having a supportive and positive peer group is so important to your college success. 

We all need those positive social connections; I've read tons of research that proves just how much we actually need each other. And social media is not enough. 

So inspired by all the heartfelt e-mails I receive from community college students around the world who are anxious about making friends in college, this is for you. 

You'll note none of the ideas below includes "wait around for someone to invite you to something." This is about taking action, being bold, and taking full ownership of your entire college experience. You can do this. 

50 Ways to Make Friends in Community College

1. Join an intramural sports team (or start one)

2. Start a study group for a big test

3. Join a club

4. Start a club

5. Ask someone in class for help

6. Compliment someone in your class

7. Pass around a piece of paper asking for basic contact info from anyone who wants to be a part of a study group (or send a group e-mail if you have access to that)

8. Plan something fun to do after a group project meeting (e.g. don't leave after the work is done - invite people to do something else after, even if just a meal; or plan a celebratory outing once you turn in your project)

9. Get comfortable with rejection: making new friends requires boldness, courage, and effort. Keep asking and inviting and don't take it personally if no one shows up. It doesn't say ANYTHING about you. People get stuck in their routines and it's hard for them to break out. Keep asking and eventually you'll find people you really click with.

10. Be bold and ask your classmates to connect with you on social media; instead of just commenting on their pictures online, make comments in person before/after class to start conversations (just don't be stalkerish...)

11. Get a part time job at the college that involves meeting/helping students

12. Go to tutoring or become a tutor

13. JOIN A CLUB

14. Study abroad

15. Go to ANY kind of conference or trip that your college offers

16. Join an honors or other specialty program (see if there is a Phi Theta Kappa chapter on your campus!)

17. Sit somewhere else in class if the people around you aren't very talkative/friendly

18. Don't be afraid to (kindly) jump into conversations you hear around you (nothing personal, of course, but when others are discussing general topics)

19. Start conversations in class about random topics of the day (e.g. what's trending on twitter, the latest goofy video, pop culture, news, etc.). Just ask "hey has anyone seen/heard....?" And watch what happens. (My fav way to quickly get the news each day is the Skimm.)

20. Ask a question of the whole class to get conversation going

21. Be the smartest person in the room (e.g.if you always go above and beyond in your classes people will quickly recognize it and ask you for help)

22. JOIN A CLUB

23. If you can, commit to being on campus all day for at least two full days so you have plenty of time to schedule hangouts and go to club meetings. To make friends you have to be willing to make time. 

24. Do your homework ahead of time so you have plenty of time to socialize

25. Form a consistent study group that meets weekly to do homework together and hang out (be the organizer, book a study room with the library or scope out a good place on campus) *but of course still study on your own; study groups should be more for reviewing information and hanging out

26. Volunteer at a local organization you care about. Making friends in college doesn't always have to mean your friends have to be in college too. Get involved in your community and socialize that way; I also recently read that giving social support to others is actually even more beneficial than receiving it.

27. Sign up for a peer mentor program (see if your college has one; if not - start one!)

28. Be a peer mentor

29. Invite five people on your social media out to lunch/coffee (or whatever your thing is) each week (usually only one will actually work out each week, so it's best to ask a lot of people). 

30. See if your college has a game room and hang out there (lots of friends were made around the pool table at my community college)

31. Visit your student life office and ask about clubs as well as other events and opportunities. Go to EVERY one you can and see what clicks.

32. E-mail the student life office right away and find out when Club Recruitment is so you don't miss it (this is when clubs set up tables to recruit new members). Go to this each semester and talk to every table until you find the people or organization you click with. 

33. Join as many clubs and attend as many events as you can the first semester. Get involved, go to events, help out wherever possible. Then decide which one you really want to commit to wholeheartedly and become an officer.

34. Start an event or initiative on your campus. Like-minded people will follow.

35. Start or join a book club

36. If you can afford it, move out of your parents house and re-create the dorm experience by getting an apartment with some roommates near campus

37. Don't be afraid to hang out with "old" friends IF they're still good friends. You should branch out and make new friends in college, but it doesn't mean high school friends should be tossed aside just because they're "old" friends. DO distance yourself from any friends, high school or college, who are bad influences. Focus on hanging out with people who encourage you, believe in your college/career dreams, and genuinely want the best for you.

38. Resist the comfort of your phone. Turn it off before class and make conversation instead. Nothing says "I'm not interested in making friends" more than being on your phone, even if of course that's not the message you're trying to send. It usually means "this feels awkward so I'm going to be on my phone." Embrace the awkward and make friends in class. 

39. Join a club

40. Join a club

41. Join a club

42. Join a club

43. Join a club

44. Join a club

45. Join a club

46. Join a club

47. Join a club

48. Join a club

49. Join a club

50. Join a club

Most colleges realize that socialization is important. That is why clubs exist at every college! It is by far the easiest and best way to make friends in college. 

You'd also be surprised at the leadership skills you already possess - if you don't see what you're looking for don't be afraid to start something new. There are most likely other people looking for the same thing. 

Choose your friends wisely and surround yourself with people who want to do well in school. 

Join clubs that seem fun, and then have fun! If you focus on having a great time in college, doing things you enjoy, and prioritizing your success, you'll find yourself with a wealth of opportunities and surrounded by some pretty outstanding people. 

Be brave. Be bold. Start things. Invite people. Keep trying. And remember that most of the people you talk to will be so grateful that you reached out to them. 

For more advice on making friends in college and building the kind of college community necessary for success, check out my book Community College Success. :)

College To Do List Week 6: Make plans with friends

The holidays are a great time to spend with family, but the free time from college can also offer you some time to spend with friends (without all that exam stress hanging over you). 

I travel a lot during the college semesters, but like you in the winter time I get a little break. In addition to spending time reading and planning for next year, I also try to spend as much time with friends as possible. 

And it's wonderful. 

But, as I'm sure you already know, as you get older more effort is required to hang out with friends. Schedules get busy and thus plans (ahead of time) have to be made.

So today my charge to you is to not sit around waiting for someone to ask you to hang out. Be proactive, and start making plans with people you enjoy spending time with.

Don't worry if everyone can't always hang out - keep asking until some plans are made. I'm sure you already know what would be fun to you, but here are some ideas:

Coffee/tea
Theme parks
Movies
Holiday events in your community
Lunch/Dinner
Bake/cook at your place
Sleepover
Video games
See a play
Play a sport
Sign up for a 5K and train with friends
Trivia nights
Hiking/biking
Do Christmas shopping together
Have a wrapping party 
Volunteer with a non-profit

So pick an activity and text a friend. Then laugh and enjoy this study-free time for all it's worth.

Ask Isa: How to move from acquaintance to friendship in college

Below is an e-mail a student (who gave his permission to have this exchange shared on the blog) sent to me earlier this week. His question was so genuine and I wanted to share his question and the answer I gave in case it helps anyone else in this situation:

Hi Isa!

I just read your article titled "You're not alone in feeling alone: how to make friends." Your article gave me a better perspective on finding friends at community college. It's hard finding new friends, especially when you have transferred from two different colleges. I've been pretty depressed lately because I don't really have any friends to hangout with anymore. 

I stopped hanging out with my old high school friends because they are always getting into trouble; and all my other friends are 8 hours away at my old college. I was a commuter at a school close to my house but it was too expensive so I transferred to a community college. It is very hard to make friends there because I haven't taken a class for my major yet (since I started during the spring 2013 semester).

I'm shy so its hard for me to step out of my comfort zone to meet new friends. In one of my night classes there is a girl that is the same major as me (she also sits right beside me in class) and 2 weeks ago I got her number so we could try to study together for the final exam. We were going to meet but we never found a time that we could meet. 

Earlier this week, I texted her asking if she signed up for classes, she said she didn't yet. So I said, "Since this is my first semester here, I dont know anybody in my field of study, since you are basically the same major as me maybe we could take some classes together?" She said yes.

I really want to be friends with her (since she is the same major as me and also because she is pretty). I really want to be friends with her and maybe be able to do stuff together outside of class (I don't want to date her, I'm just looking for a friend). I don't want to come on too strong and make her think that I want to date her. I just want a friend to talk to. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Blake*

Hi Blake,

Thanks so much for reaching out.

I think it's great you are making an effort, and that you have strayed away from friends that were getting into trouble. That is not easy to do but incredibly beneficial; it will pay off.

As far as the girl, go ahead and be casual about it and don't worry too much. The fact that she said 'yes' to taking classes together is awesome (great idea, by the way). Don't over-think it and instead just, well, be friends. Think about how it worked when you were a kid - when we're kids we rarely think about these things; instead we just connect with people who we have fun with. It can be the same in college.

Sit together in class, help each other with homework, study together, and just hang out, talk, and be friends. As far as not wanting to seem like you're hitting on her, I think you're already there because she said yes to taking classes together. If she was creeped out she would have avoided that. So just enjoy classes together! And when you study, consider inviting other people to form a study group.

And finally, consider how you can make other friends too so you're not too worried about this one person. Does your college have a student life department or a website that lists its clubs?

Check that out, meet with a student life coordinator at your college, and go to different club meetings that interest you. Find the one you connect with the most and ask the President of the club if they need any more officers or committee leaders or help with anything. Get involved right away. You'll be amazed at the bonds you'll create without even thinking about it.

Let me know how it goes! :)

Sincerely,

Isa

*name was changed

To submit your question for the blog visit the anonymous Ask Isa inbox. Or you can e-mail me directly at isa@communitycollegesuccess.com. 

How to start a conversation in class

Ever wonder how to make friends in class? At this point you may have already done so, but it can't hurt to brush up on your skills. Use the tips in the video below to get a study group together for your upcoming exams, or use them to prepare for your first days of summer classes. :)

How to find alternatives to the college party scene

Okay so I have to be 100% honest with you – I am not an expert when it comes to the college party scene.

My favorite college night hangouts included making cupcakes with girlfriends, watching chick-flicks, and chatting until 3am.

(Actual cupcakes made by me and my friends in college. Yum.) 

And I think one of my readers is the same way. Recently, I got the following e-mail at advice@communitycollegesuccess.com:

What do you do when everyone around just wants to go out downtown to bars and clubs and drink a lot and you're the Taylor-Swift girl in the corner that wants to see and do other things in the world besides that? It's getting kinda awkward and hard to find people who share my same interest, especially in a party university. It’s not that I don't enjoy a good party every now and then, because I do. I just don't want to do it every single weekend like a good majority of my college’s population does. What should I do?

While in college it can often seem like everyone is partying, the truth is that they’re not. It’s kind of like when you drive by the rich part of your area and you feel like everyone is richer than you. But in reality…it’s just the 1% and most people are driving beat-up cars and live in apartments. Realize that you’re not alone. There are people in your college who have similar interests as you; they may just be too hesitant to do something different – or they might be feeling alone too.

So with that in mind, below are my three tips to help you enjoy your college life while staying true to yourself, whatever your college party style may be: 

1) Get involved in clubs. Most campuses have a wide variety of clubs, activities, and organizations that have a continual calendar of events and entertainment. They also tend to draw like-minded people. Diversifying your friendships is important, but when it comes to what you like to do on Friday night, it can be nice to have people around who enjoy the same things.  Clubs are a great way to start. Keep trying different ones until they click – and then just start showing up to their events.

2) Be a planner. If you’re not that interested in the current invitations you’re getting, try being the one who is the inviter. Plan events and hangouts around what you enjoy doing, and then start inviting other people. You don’t have to have 20 people – in fact most of the best times often happen doing interesting things with a few close friends.

To start, there are always movies, concerts, and sports events (especially if your college has a great athletics program). You can also explore the area around you and try new things. Some of my favorite friend activities included paint-your-own pottery places, making jewelry, going to the beach, shopping consignment, finding new coffee shops, museums, riding roller coasters, and going to this place where you make your own pancakes on a grill right on your table.

Enjoying the aquarium w/ some of my fav college friends.

And never underestimate a good night out with your friends at the Cheesecake Factory or Kobe’s (not paid advertisements…but I will take free cheesecake and fried rice for life).

3) Enjoy time alone. Things are always more fun when you are in control of how you are spending your time. Never feel like you have to go to an event just because it’s what 'everyone' is doing. Have the courage to stick to what is fun to you, and know that sometimes that may mean you’ll be alone for a few hours. Develop things you like to do on your own too, and know that when you turn down doing something that isn’t really your thing, you’re developing a kind of maturity that will serve you well for the rest of your life.

College should be fun and I encourage you to continue to find creative ways to have it. The key is to surround yourself with people who share your definition of fun, whatever it may be.

Trust me, they are out there. And they will be most attracted to hanging out with you when you are truly yourself and happily committed to doing what you love during your free time. 

You Are Not Alone in Feeling Alone: How to Make Friends

Sitting on a bus on the way to a conference, one of the students I advise asked to sit with me. She wanted to talk about friends. Or rather, the lack thereof.

We talked about the sudden death of her brother and how she was afraid to get close to people because she learned early in life that they could leave you unexpectedly.

She lamented that after almost 2 years of community college she felt like she didn’t have a core group of close friends. Her grandpa’s words to her were always:

“In life you'll have lots of acquaintances, but you'll only have a handful of friends. People come and go, but if you are able to maintain at least one or two good friends, consider yourself lucky.”

She wanted to be lucky. She wanted some really good friends but looked around and felt alone. Really alone. Despite being around tons of people.

Making friends can be truly difficult in community college. I learned when I transferred to a University that most students made their friends in the hallways of their dorms or at the nighttime activities of their organizations and didn’t seem to have much reason to strike up a conversation with a new friend in class.

In community college, however, everyone was a commuter and class was our only opportunity to make friends. But few did.

Most go to class and go home, go to class, and go home. No interaction beyond what is necessary. Just get through the class. And go home. I call this drive-thru education and I think it’s kind of dangerous.

Relating to our peers is part of how we challenge our perspectives and develop our interpersonal skills. And making new friends is fun.

But as my student realized, it can also be really, really hard. She is not alone. And if you feel lonely – you’re not alone either.

In fact, many surveys and articles report that college students are often the loneliest group of all.

  

Media depicts college as a constant social party, which leads many to assume that if you don’t have tons of friends and a full social calendar something must be wrong with you. Nothing could be further from the truth.

We live in a fast-paced, technology driven, “Me-generation”, and it doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. Our modern life is not conducive to human connections. Real friendships take work. Creating community, making friends, takes real effort – and it starts with you.

In high school friendships are easier because you are with the same people, from the same town, of the same age, all day, for 4 years (sometimes more).

Life after high school makes making new friends difficult. But if you learn those skills now they will help you for the rest of your life – because making new friends can be difficult after college as well, just ask any post-grad you know.

If you find yourself feeling lonely and wondering why no one is calling or texting you, realize almost everyone else is feeling the same way. Only you can change your social situation. And while it does take effort and courage to put yourself out there, it is so worth it.

Because friends allow us to unleash a different part of ourselves. We don’t have to be our high school-self. We don’t have to be our college-self. We don’t have to be our work-self.  We don’t have to be our dating-self. We don’t have to be our I’m-trying-to-impress-people-self.

We can explore our real self.

We can delve into various interests, talk about our lives, and grow our perspectives.  And there is almost nothing better than laughing till you cry or crying till you laugh with a friend.

I’ve read a lot of quarter-life crisis books that talk about the college and post-college friendship struggle, but what drove me crazy is they only said the struggle existed – they didn’t tell me how to overcome it, how to make friends.

And then it made me feel like a loser because maybe no one else needed to know how to make friends during or after college. Maybe I was the only one.

But after many conversations I realized that was far from the truth. Many people struggle to make friends during the transitions of life, but not many people are as brave as my student was to talk about it.

Because we often think we are the only one.

So while I’m not the expert, below are some tips that I hope can help you expand your social circle, make some connections, and enjoy other people during and after college.

1.Take away the pressure. 

If you start imagining what your social life should look like and try to create it you will either overwhelm people or retract into your own little shell. 

Don’t try to imagine what your social life should be. Just enjoy whatever it is in the moment and in your current life stage.  Know it will change and know that is okay and perfectly normal.

2.Friends don’t have to be “forever.” 

BFF. It was fun to write each other's hands with gel pens. And some do have friends for almost their entire life and I think this is wonderful and an incredibly lucky feat.

But people move, people change, and sometimes that means our friends change.  Don’t let this get you down. Embrace the friends you have while you have them, and appreciate what they bring to your life during that time.

3.Turn Facebook into facetime. 

It’s so easy to hide behind our status and our tweets. Don’t let your social life be entirely on the computer.

Use Facebook to learn about what people are interested in or events they’re attending and GO. How many events lay dormant on your Facebook homepage? Try showing up and see what happens.

4.Be the inviter.  

How often do you wait for other people to text you to hang out? How many social events have you initiated? It isn’t hard. Invite someone out for coffee. Go to an event and invite some more people to go with you. 

Notice what’s going around town. Notice what’s going on in your campus. And just invite other people. They will love you for it.

(disclaimer: when you become the inviter sometimes you will want to put something together and everyone will be busy and no one will come. This is not because they don’t like you. It’s because we live in a world where as you get older friendships aren’t easy and people have to purposefully make it happen. Just because you are doesn’t mean they are. But keep inviting. Don’t give up. And don’t take it personally).

5.Join a club. 

Community colleges often have robust student life programs. The problem is so many students don’t take the time to engage with them.

Show up at an event. Join a club. Become an officer in a club. And you’ll have more friends and social events than you’ll know what to do with. (if you’re a post-grad, try joining a professional association in your field).

6.Volunteer. 

The United Way has a database in almost every county for volunteer events and opportunities. Show up. Start conversations. And contribute. You’ll meet great people.

7.Be vulnerable. 

I’m not saying to cry out your whole life story the first time you meet someone, but don’t be afraid to let out your insecurities, your fears, your hopes. Being honest is what bonds us. And when you’re vulnerable you give others permission to be themselves too.

8.Do something that interests you – alone. 

Too often we’re too afraid to try something new without trusted people at our side. It’s hard to make friends when you cling to the ones you already have. Go do something by yourself and be open to the new people around you.

If you want any further advice on friendships feel free to e-mail me at advice@communitycollegesuccess.com. And if you have any tips to provide please share them on the comments section of this blog or on Facebook or Twitter #makefriends.