What to do When He’s Just Not That Into You

The movie He’s Just Not That Into You came on TV this weekend and I just had to watch.

It’s a chick-flick that features an adorable desperate girl (played by my fav Ginnifer Goodwin) who serves as a compilation and slight hyperbole of everything girls do when they pine after a guy who’s just not that into them.

It’s a pretty funny movie, and it does bring to light a lot of things that girls and guys tend to do in relationships – especially when one is “chasing” the other to no avail.

If you’ve ever chased someone who’s just not that into you (e.g. it starts on the recess playground), and spent time wishing something would change, you know it can be a pretty awful feeling.

It’s one of the most distracting and all encompassing things. And it usually leads nowhere except down a long, long road of analysis, drama, and false hope.

With Valentines Day coming up this week, it can be a fun time for some and a slightly depressing time for others. I was single many Valentines Days and can remember that feeling all to well.

If you have a special person in your life to spend Valentines Day with – awesome, enjoy it. For those of you who are single and loving it – have a great day to and just forget about this stupid-holiday-created-by-the-greeting-card-companies. ;)

And for those of you who have someone you are wishing would be into you – think about really letting them go. He’s Just Not That Into You is a great reminder that people can sometimes put too much of their great energy into a person who just doesn’t deserve it or appreciate it. It happens to almost all of us, and it says nothing about who you are.

What kills me is when I see students struggling with classes and look generally drained of their usual life and energy because of a relationship that just isn’t happening. It affects their grades, their happiness, and their general zest for life. 

The irony of He’s Just Not That Into You is that almost everyone ends up with a relationship at the end. But life doesn’t always work that way. And when great relationships happen they almost never evolve out of the kind of pining and wishing and chasing after someone who just doesn’t like you the way you wish they did.

If you ever find yourself in a place where you’re not genuinely chasing after your life because you’re chasing after someone else, put a stop to it. Let go. Find friends and other activities to replace the spot where you were giving your attentions to someone who just doesn’t see you that way.

And remember – the best relationships, the times when someone is really into you, will usually occur when you are fully yourself, fully in engaging in your own life with vigor and joy – not worrying or wishing after anyone and simply engaging with your future, seeing what happens along the way.

Happy Vday <3

Romance, Relationships, College Success?

Almost everything that I write about on this blog directly correlates with my overall belief that the building, developing, and strengthening of relationships is at the core of building success.

And, the reality is, some of the relationships in our lives that occupy the most time and attention are romantic ones.

Meeting. Talking. Dating. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. The Notebook. 

So, I wanted to be able to touch on the subject on occasion. And away we go...

I approach relationship advice in the same way that I do with any networking – it should be about positive, encouraging, and productive interactions, regardless of the intimacy involved.

So here are the top three questions that I think are worth asking if you are in, or are thinking about, engaging in a casual, or even serious, relationship. 

1. What am I looking to contribute to this connection? Like all interactions, it is probably worthwhile to consider how great of an investment you are looking to put forth. If you aren’t interested in the emotional, or even time, commitment of a serious relationship, the person involved should know ahead of time. If not, you are setting yourself up for interpersonal conflict, which doesn’t set up a situation conducive for your personal success. In other words - prevent the drama.

            2. How does the other person fulfill my expectations? If you shouldn’t settle for a career, shouldn’t settle for a college, shouldn’t settle for a major, why on earth would anyone settle in a relationship? It is okay if someone doesn’t meet  all 1000 items from your checklist or look like Ryan Gosling, but it is not okay if that person has characteristics/values that aren’t up to what you know you deserve. You deserve constant respect, affection, and support – don’t stop believing in what you deserve in any part of your life. 

3. How much have I learned about the other person? I love chick-flicks, Disney movies, and Twilight…but, those silent, mysterious, and unsolved personalities are only “dreamy” when you first meet them. For example, a company’s image might be amazing, but you want to know the employee culture before you decide you want to work there. Don’t change that rule for a personal relationship. I am not talking about going too fast or taking it too slow- people can be together for a long time without actually knowing a lot about each other or vice versa. But don't be afraid to get to know what the other person really loves and really cares about.

And most importantly, remember, this is not about what is “hot” or how to get the cute guy or girl to notice you in class – those things are fleeting.What will stay the same? The fact that you deserve relationships that improve the quality of your life.

Never forget that and you will always qualify as a dating expert :)

So, uh what are your loves and dreams? 

Let's be friends.  
Be a leader not a follower, except when it comes to Twitter. 
Or feel free to email me at advice@communitycollegesuccess.com

How to Talk to Anyone: Conversation Starters

Want to talk to people but often don't know want to say? Want to vanquish the awkward silences in your college classes? This video will show you how :)

Top 5 Surprising Ways to Increase Your Popularity

When you think of popularity you probably think of snobby girls with Louis Vuttion purses or some version of the movie mean girls.  This is not the kind of popularity I am talking about. I just wanted to get your attention ;)

The better term would be likeable. Most "popular" people by our cultural definition are not necessarily likable. 

Being "popular" in that sense is not desirable. But being likeable is an incredibly valuable skill that can serve you well in every aspect of your life - (e.g. social, academic, professional, and self-esteem). 

So how do you be someone whom most people like? Someone who is popular on your campus amongst both students and professors. Someone people truly want to be around.

First of all you do not need your own reality TV show. Nor do you need to buy a designer purse. 

Start by asking yourself these questions: Do people like to be around you? Would people cheer loudly and genuinely for you if you won an award? Do people root for you, wish for your success, invite you to things, recommend you to other people?

I started thinking a lot about this quality after a big awards ceremony at my work where many employees won a variety of awards. There was a lot of obligatory applause, but when one janitor won an award for his many years of service the place electrified with people’s hoots and hollers and genuine excitement for this employee.

He was the only one who got a standing ovation. My eyes watered a bit as I stood there and clapped voraciously as I thought about our interaction just the day before – an interaction that I realized he must have had with all 800 pairs of clapping hands.

 It was a Monday and my week hadn’t gotten off to a good start. I was tired, feeling sick, stressed about some budget stuff, and was feeling a wave of negativity threaten to set the tone for my entire week.

And then this janitor popped his head into my office with the enthusiasm of a 10-year-old in the middle of recess and the sincerity of a mother and said “hi how are you doing today?” And he actually wanted to know how I was doing. His smile and genuine inquiry was literally a ray of light that burst through the dark clouds over my head and I instantly felt better. He made my day.

He was the most popular person at that awards banquet because he had at some point made everyone’s day in that room.

Do you make other people’s days? Are you that likeable? If not – you can be.

Being likeable builds confidence, helps you build relationships, and build a large social network that can support you. I heard in a recent training that people with genuine friends and positive social groups live longer.

Below are the top 5 things you can start doing today to be a more popular/likeable person wherever you are.

1. Smile

No one likes to be around someone who is grumpy all the time. Think about how you feel when a baby smiles at you. And what do you typically have to do to get a baby to smile at you? Smile.

People are naturally attracted to a smile. And bonus: when you smile – even if inside you’re not having such a great day – the act of smiling will help you feel better too.

So wherever you go, take time to look people in the eye and smile – even strangers. You will brighten their day, exude positive energy, and they will naturally want to be around you.  

(note: this can be very difficult to accomplish with the intense pull of the cell phone. How many times are you looking at your phone when walking down the hall. How many opportunities for smiling do you miss? How many times have you had a conversation with a friend while texting someone else at the same time? (guilty). Just because we can multi-task like this doesn’t mean it is healthy. As technology gets even more intense, it is the people who have the self-control to know when to put it away and create genuine connection with others who will be the most popular and successful).

2. Ask questions

How often do we ask people questions like “how are you doing?” but never really care about the response? Ask people questions about who they are, what’s going on in their life, and what interests they have. People love a great storyteller, but no one likes to be around people who constantly talking about themselves.  People will love you if you’re the kind of person who is always curious about who they are – the kind of person who asks a question and truly wants to know the answer. 


3. Listen

When people talk, too often we’re just thinking about what we’re going to say next. Instead, really listen to what others are saying and take mental notes  (or even real notes sometimes) about what you learn about them. If you bring up some of those details next time you talk you will blow them away with your ability to remember what is important to them.  People will love you for this.

4. Be positive

Life of course isn’t always wonderful, but you know those constant glass-half-empty people who always seem to have something to complain about? They can be exhausting to be around and people usually try to get away from them as often as possible. No need to be a Pollyanna, but people like people who are encouraging and positive. Take a look at your past 10 Facebook updates. How are you doing when it comes to projecting positivity and genuine connections with others?  How many “likes” do you get on something positive versus something really negative?

5. Compliment people

The best way you can make someone’s day is to give a compliment. Genuinely notice the people around you – and not just what they’re wearing but also who they are. Compliment people on their character, the way they handled a situation, or something you appreciate/admire about their personality. 

Think about compliments people have given you recently. How did they make you feel? How do you in turn feel about that person? You probably like them a lot. 

You Are Not Alone in Feeling Alone: How to Make Friends

Sitting on a bus on the way to a conference, one of the students I advise asked to sit with me. She wanted to talk about friends. Or rather, the lack thereof.

We talked about the sudden death of her brother and how she was afraid to get close to people because she learned early in life that they could leave you unexpectedly.

She lamented that after almost 2 years of community college she felt like she didn’t have a core group of close friends. Her grandpa’s words to her were always:

“In life you'll have lots of acquaintances, but you'll only have a handful of friends. People come and go, but if you are able to maintain at least one or two good friends, consider yourself lucky.”

She wanted to be lucky. She wanted some really good friends but looked around and felt alone. Really alone. Despite being around tons of people.

Making friends can be truly difficult in community college. I learned when I transferred to a University that most students made their friends in the hallways of their dorms or at the nighttime activities of their organizations and didn’t seem to have much reason to strike up a conversation with a new friend in class.

In community college, however, everyone was a commuter and class was our only opportunity to make friends. But few did.

Most go to class and go home, go to class, and go home. No interaction beyond what is necessary. Just get through the class. And go home. I call this drive-thru education and I think it’s kind of dangerous.

Relating to our peers is part of how we challenge our perspectives and develop our interpersonal skills. And making new friends is fun.

But as my student realized, it can also be really, really hard. She is not alone. And if you feel lonely – you’re not alone either.

In fact, many surveys and articles report that college students are often the loneliest group of all.

  

Media depicts college as a constant social party, which leads many to assume that if you don’t have tons of friends and a full social calendar something must be wrong with you. Nothing could be further from the truth.

We live in a fast-paced, technology driven, “Me-generation”, and it doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. Our modern life is not conducive to human connections. Real friendships take work. Creating community, making friends, takes real effort – and it starts with you.

In high school friendships are easier because you are with the same people, from the same town, of the same age, all day, for 4 years (sometimes more).

Life after high school makes making new friends difficult. But if you learn those skills now they will help you for the rest of your life – because making new friends can be difficult after college as well, just ask any post-grad you know.

If you find yourself feeling lonely and wondering why no one is calling or texting you, realize almost everyone else is feeling the same way. Only you can change your social situation. And while it does take effort and courage to put yourself out there, it is so worth it.

Because friends allow us to unleash a different part of ourselves. We don’t have to be our high school-self. We don’t have to be our college-self. We don’t have to be our work-self.  We don’t have to be our dating-self. We don’t have to be our I’m-trying-to-impress-people-self.

We can explore our real self.

We can delve into various interests, talk about our lives, and grow our perspectives.  And there is almost nothing better than laughing till you cry or crying till you laugh with a friend.

I’ve read a lot of quarter-life crisis books that talk about the college and post-college friendship struggle, but what drove me crazy is they only said the struggle existed – they didn’t tell me how to overcome it, how to make friends.

And then it made me feel like a loser because maybe no one else needed to know how to make friends during or after college. Maybe I was the only one.

But after many conversations I realized that was far from the truth. Many people struggle to make friends during the transitions of life, but not many people are as brave as my student was to talk about it.

Because we often think we are the only one.

So while I’m not the expert, below are some tips that I hope can help you expand your social circle, make some connections, and enjoy other people during and after college.

1.Take away the pressure. 

If you start imagining what your social life should look like and try to create it you will either overwhelm people or retract into your own little shell. 

Don’t try to imagine what your social life should be. Just enjoy whatever it is in the moment and in your current life stage.  Know it will change and know that is okay and perfectly normal.

2.Friends don’t have to be “forever.” 

BFF. It was fun to write each other's hands with gel pens. And some do have friends for almost their entire life and I think this is wonderful and an incredibly lucky feat.

But people move, people change, and sometimes that means our friends change.  Don’t let this get you down. Embrace the friends you have while you have them, and appreciate what they bring to your life during that time.

3.Turn Facebook into facetime. 

It’s so easy to hide behind our status and our tweets. Don’t let your social life be entirely on the computer.

Use Facebook to learn about what people are interested in or events they’re attending and GO. How many events lay dormant on your Facebook homepage? Try showing up and see what happens.

4.Be the inviter.  

How often do you wait for other people to text you to hang out? How many social events have you initiated? It isn’t hard. Invite someone out for coffee. Go to an event and invite some more people to go with you. 

Notice what’s going around town. Notice what’s going on in your campus. And just invite other people. They will love you for it.

(disclaimer: when you become the inviter sometimes you will want to put something together and everyone will be busy and no one will come. This is not because they don’t like you. It’s because we live in a world where as you get older friendships aren’t easy and people have to purposefully make it happen. Just because you are doesn’t mean they are. But keep inviting. Don’t give up. And don’t take it personally).

5.Join a club. 

Community colleges often have robust student life programs. The problem is so many students don’t take the time to engage with them.

Show up at an event. Join a club. Become an officer in a club. And you’ll have more friends and social events than you’ll know what to do with. (if you’re a post-grad, try joining a professional association in your field).

6.Volunteer. 

The United Way has a database in almost every county for volunteer events and opportunities. Show up. Start conversations. And contribute. You’ll meet great people.

7.Be vulnerable. 

I’m not saying to cry out your whole life story the first time you meet someone, but don’t be afraid to let out your insecurities, your fears, your hopes. Being honest is what bonds us. And when you’re vulnerable you give others permission to be themselves too.

8.Do something that interests you – alone. 

Too often we’re too afraid to try something new without trusted people at our side. It’s hard to make friends when you cling to the ones you already have. Go do something by yourself and be open to the new people around you.

If you want any further advice on friendships feel free to e-mail me at advice@communitycollegesuccess.com. And if you have any tips to provide please share them on the comments section of this blog or on Facebook or Twitter #makefriends. 

Does Dating Affect Your College Life?

Exams are finished and while many anxiously await their final grades, I recently had the realization that while grades and exams cause much stress in college, nothing seems to compare to the anxiety, stress, and frustration that seems to be caused by relationships. Specifically – dating relationships.

I recently had a conversation with some friends who were asking my advice on a plethora of relationship issues. Feeling very Dear Abby I was more than happy to play the part and dish out relationship advice. Who doesn’t love to play this role?

A few highlights came from that talk, and it made me think about how often relationships conflict with college. From nasty break ups to betrayals to heartbreak to long gossip trails, the anxiety and drama can so quickly envelop the day to day. And then grades, studying, friendships, and even health become lost in the swamp of relationship confusion.

Sure there are a few of those healthy mature relationships overflowing with genuine support and love  - the kind where you make each other better every day, grow and challenge each other, and enjoy each other’s company more than anyone else’s. These are a pleasure to watch and even more so to be a part of.

But what seems to plague most students are the troubled relationships. The one’s that seem great at first and then quickly spiral into great struggle that eventually turns college into a giant dumping ground of wasted energy.

Instead of delighting in the learning process, being challenged by new collegiate endeavors, investing and exploring friendships with a diversity of others, and discovering who you are and what you want to do with your life it is so easy to become encumbered with all the overwhelming feelings of relationship drama.

So the big question is, how do you avoid it? It’s easy to say just stay away, ignore the bad ones, find the good ones, man up, step up, get over it, he’s just not that into you, etc.

But the truth is, when you’re in the throes of a relationship, especially with someone you care (or cared) about, it’s difficult to see reason. It’s difficult to stay away. And it’s difficult to focus on school.

I’m not saying you have to be single to get the most out of your college experience. However, I do think it is important to consider who you invest in very carefully – at any period in your life – but especially in college as it is such a unique time in life when you are able to focus almost solely on your own self improvement, development, and growth.

Done right, that kind of self-investment can be the perfect recipe for eventually finding a great person to spend your life with.

Now I am no dating/relationship expert, but I have learned a lot from the incredible relationship I have with my husband as well as from the successful and tragic relationships of those around me. So college students, below are some points to consider for your dating life to ensure you are able to make the most of this time to grow, flourish, and succeed.

-    Be picky: Now please don’t start making a list that you want someone who’s “5 foot 6, black hair, blue eyes, plays guitar, has a red car, likes cats, wants 2.5 kids…..” In fact, I think it’s dangerous to be picky when it comes to the external.What I do think students aren’t picky enough about is finding someone who shares their values and who has the kind of character they are looking for. And most importantly, holding out for someone who really, truly, cares about them and causes more joy than pain. Be picky about who you let into your life.

-    Invest in yourself: In all the best relationships stories I’ve ever heard it seems they met while doing something they both loved or engaging in some sort of mutual activity. Enjoy college and enjoy being single. Engage in your interests and your friends and take full advantage of the unique freedom you have in college to explore so many avenues of life. Chase the experiences. Let go of the pressure.

-    Don’t chase: I find so many people trying to force relationships that just aren’t happy or beneficial. Typically one person is more into it than the other and one is chasing. Chasing may work in the short term but it seems to never work for the long term. The truth is, you deserve someone who wants to be with you.

-    Save the drama for your mama: Okay so I really don’t know what this means but I just wanted to say it. Essentially, catch yourself when you find yourself engaging in the drama of your relationship or a friend’s. It only leads to emotional self-destruction.

-    Love yourself:  I know this sounds super hippy and cheesy. But what I really mean is to engage and learn about who you are during this time. Being confident in yourself first is the most attractive quality there is. It is the kind of confidence that comes from the quiet self-discovery of your strengths and abilities, and the understanding and peace that comes from knowing that you are enough.

Always remember a relationship should be a positive addition to your life. All you have to do is continue to focus on making your life a positive addition to this world.