The craziest thing you can do in college

If you're looking for a wild idea for your college experience, one that's right on the edge - risky - that could even cause you to possibly not graduate, then you've come to the right place.

No, I'm not talking about any nutty party antics (did I just say "nutty?"....yeah...you can tell I've never been a party person).

What I am talking about is the craziest thing college students do - something that makes NO sense, and yet something the majority of students do when they start out - myself included.

It's a crazy thing that you should STOP as soon as possible if you want to be successful in college. But for the most part it's impossible to stop until someone tells you why you should.

What am I talking about?

Doing college alone. 

I spoke to students about college completion yesterday and the Student Life Director who hired me told me about a term her colleague had come up with - "PCP students." It stood for their typical college routine:

Parking Lot - Class - Parking Lot.

In my book I call that drive-thru education.

And it's crazy. It's nutty. It doesn't make sense. And it's the most insane thing you can do.

Because NO ONE DOES COLLEGE SUCCESSFULLY ALONE.

College completion is a team sport.

And trying to do it alone is like one football player - no matter how good he might be - trying to play against an entire team. It makes no sense. He doesn't have a chance. He'll lose, and the dangerous part is that he may think it's his fault - that he's not good enough, that maybe he's not cut out for this.

But the truth is that he's trying to play a team sport alone. He could be great with a team. 

The same is true for you.

I think one of the major reasons students drop out of college is they don't understand how to get connected beyond the PCP routine. 

This is especially relevant to commuter students, of which most community college students are. 

When I started community college I was crazy too. I just went to class and went home. I didn't know there was anything more to do. I figured that was basically all that was important.

Class, of course, IS the most important thing in college. BUT - your ability to stay engaged and do your best in class is also affected by the team you've build around you to help you succeed.

I'm talking about having friends to study with, having professors whose offices you can frequent to ask for help and advice, and knowing the right staff throughout the college who can help you manage your entire college experience (e.g. see 15 places you must visit on your college campus).  

Don't be crazy and try to do college alone. Even Harvard students have a team of over six types of mentors to help them navigate the experience. Everyone needs help!!

Here are three steps to start building your team and not be a crazy person ;) ==>

1) Go visit the Student Life office on your campus and ask about clubs and other events and opportunities they offer. Then make it a priority in your schedule to GO. Join your favorite club. Become an officer.

2) Visit your professors during their office hours to ask about advice on an upcoming assignment, check in with a current assignment you're working on to make sure you're on the right track, or ask their advice about a question you're having about college in general. 

3) Build free-time in your schedule next semester in between classes. Do not schedule your classes back-to-back. Space them out to force yourself to stay on campus where you'll have the time to meet people, ask for help, and explore all the hidden opportunities at your college (as well as having important time to do your HW in the library!). As much as possible, try to work only on nights and weekends so you can dedicate your weekdays to having a successful college experience. 

Okay, so stop being a nutty crazy pants and go build your college success team! You're now officially out of excuses, because now you know. ;)

Oh and BONUS tip - my book is literally all about how to build your college success team. It includes how to make friends, exactly what you can ask professors, and sample e-mail scripts to reach out to professional mentors. Check it out here!

Expanding your circle of friends

Eighty-percent of human communication is non-verbal, and thus to expand your social circle, you have to get rid of your social circle. 

Literally. 

Think of the times that you go to big events, sit in your college's cafeteria, sit in class, or go to a club meeting...

How welcoming is it when someone looks you in the eye and gives you their attention? 

And how awful does it feel to be ignored? 

And yet, as great as it feels to be welcomed and as horrible as it feels to be ignored, we can all sometimes find ourselves ignoring others; we sometimes get caught up in the comfortability of our friends - our circle - and we literally huddle up, ready to call a play like a football team.  

And we show the rest of the world the backs of our heads - and as beautiful as the back of your head may be - it isn't nearly as beautiful as your face. 

Your friends are great - they are so great that you need to welcome others into your social groups so they can meet them (and you) too. 

And yet too often, we close ourselves off to others when we're in a group. 

I notice this all of the time when I go to networking events and conferences. 

If I go to an event by myself, the odds are I bounce around the room, chatting and meeting different groups, and truly investing my time in forging new friendships. 

But when I go with someone else I know, or with a small group, I catch myself closing off - thinking of what my group is doing, how my group is doing, and I literally have to force myself to not close off my circle - especially in how I stand and carry myself.  

I quickly remind myself that when I transferred to a university after community college, I found myself on the outside of a lot of closed circles. 

And it was those groups who opened their circle and invited me in, who helped make my transfer experience a whole lot better. 

Having a close group of friends is wonderful, just be sure to check your body language and remember what it feels like to be on the outside - especially when you attend networking events, conferences, and participate in new experiences where you could make some amazing new connections. 

There is a time for intimacy only shared with our best friends, and yet there is also a time to offer your social skills to others in order to make them feel welcome. Make sure that you always remember the difference. 

Trust me - you will appreciate those open circles when it is your turn; and so many others will appreciate you. 

How to find alternatives to the college party scene

Okay so I have to be 100% honest with you – I am not an expert when it comes to the college party scene.

My favorite college night hangouts included making cupcakes with girlfriends, watching chick-flicks, and chatting until 3am.

(Actual cupcakes made by me and my friends in college. Yum.) 

And I think one of my readers is the same way. Recently, I got the following e-mail at advice@communitycollegesuccess.com:

What do you do when everyone around just wants to go out downtown to bars and clubs and drink a lot and you're the Taylor-Swift girl in the corner that wants to see and do other things in the world besides that? It's getting kinda awkward and hard to find people who share my same interest, especially in a party university. It’s not that I don't enjoy a good party every now and then, because I do. I just don't want to do it every single weekend like a good majority of my college’s population does. What should I do?

While in college it can often seem like everyone is partying, the truth is that they’re not. It’s kind of like when you drive by the rich part of your area and you feel like everyone is richer than you. But in reality…it’s just the 1% and most people are driving beat-up cars and live in apartments. Realize that you’re not alone. There are people in your college who have similar interests as you; they may just be too hesitant to do something different – or they might be feeling alone too.

So with that in mind, below are my three tips to help you enjoy your college life while staying true to yourself, whatever your college party style may be: 

1) Get involved in clubs. Most campuses have a wide variety of clubs, activities, and organizations that have a continual calendar of events and entertainment. They also tend to draw like-minded people. Diversifying your friendships is important, but when it comes to what you like to do on Friday night, it can be nice to have people around who enjoy the same things.  Clubs are a great way to start. Keep trying different ones until they click – and then just start showing up to their events.

2) Be a planner. If you’re not that interested in the current invitations you’re getting, try being the one who is the inviter. Plan events and hangouts around what you enjoy doing, and then start inviting other people. You don’t have to have 20 people – in fact most of the best times often happen doing interesting things with a few close friends.

To start, there are always movies, concerts, and sports events (especially if your college has a great athletics program). You can also explore the area around you and try new things. Some of my favorite friend activities included paint-your-own pottery places, making jewelry, going to the beach, shopping consignment, finding new coffee shops, museums, riding roller coasters, and going to this place where you make your own pancakes on a grill right on your table.

Enjoying the aquarium w/ some of my fav college friends.

And never underestimate a good night out with your friends at the Cheesecake Factory or Kobe’s (not paid advertisements…but I will take free cheesecake and fried rice for life).

3) Enjoy time alone. Things are always more fun when you are in control of how you are spending your time. Never feel like you have to go to an event just because it’s what 'everyone' is doing. Have the courage to stick to what is fun to you, and know that sometimes that may mean you’ll be alone for a few hours. Develop things you like to do on your own too, and know that when you turn down doing something that isn’t really your thing, you’re developing a kind of maturity that will serve you well for the rest of your life.

College should be fun and I encourage you to continue to find creative ways to have it. The key is to surround yourself with people who share your definition of fun, whatever it may be.

Trust me, they are out there. And they will be most attracted to hanging out with you when you are truly yourself and happily committed to doing what you love during your free time. 

Be the Bright Spot in Someone’s Cloudy Day

I am a huge fan of Dale Carnegie’s classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.

I actually referenced one of my favorite lines from the book in my graduation speech at Stetson University:

“Tell me how you get your feeling of importance, and I’ll tell you what you are.”

I think we all crave to feel important, valued, and appreciated.

I also think that one of the saddest realities about our world is that many are often lacking the human interaction, compassion, and encouragement that fulfills that personal craving. 

Ever felt alone? Unimportant? Forgotten? 

So, while it has been a few years since I graduated college and shared this concept with my fellow graduates, I wanted to revisit the challenge that I issued that day.

For you. And for myself. 

The challenge was, and still is, to overcome the mechanical nature of our social transactions. 

In retail, in fast food, in hallways, in stores, in classrooms, and in some of our own friendships.

Smile. Look a person in the eye. 

Ask them how they are doing. And mean it.

And then pause to really listen.

Invite an old Facebook friend out to coffee. Call a friend who you haven’t gotten back to in a while. Apologize to someone you know you’ve wronged. Reach out to someone new in class.

Because you’ll never know the kind of impact these small things will have. 

We shouldn’t measure ourselves by how important others think we are. We should measure ourselves by how important we make others feel.

In short, be the bright spot in someone's cloudy day.

Study Tipping Tuesday - Note Cards, Location, Time Management

Here are this week's study tips for Tuesday :) 

Romance, Relationships, College Success?

Almost everything that I write about on this blog directly correlates with my overall belief that the building, developing, and strengthening of relationships is at the core of building success.

And, the reality is, some of the relationships in our lives that occupy the most time and attention are romantic ones.

Meeting. Talking. Dating. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. The Notebook. 

So, I wanted to be able to touch on the subject on occasion. And away we go...

I approach relationship advice in the same way that I do with any networking – it should be about positive, encouraging, and productive interactions, regardless of the intimacy involved.

So here are the top three questions that I think are worth asking if you are in, or are thinking about, engaging in a casual, or even serious, relationship. 

1. What am I looking to contribute to this connection? Like all interactions, it is probably worthwhile to consider how great of an investment you are looking to put forth. If you aren’t interested in the emotional, or even time, commitment of a serious relationship, the person involved should know ahead of time. If not, you are setting yourself up for interpersonal conflict, which doesn’t set up a situation conducive for your personal success. In other words - prevent the drama.

            2. How does the other person fulfill my expectations? If you shouldn’t settle for a career, shouldn’t settle for a college, shouldn’t settle for a major, why on earth would anyone settle in a relationship? It is okay if someone doesn’t meet  all 1000 items from your checklist or look like Ryan Gosling, but it is not okay if that person has characteristics/values that aren’t up to what you know you deserve. You deserve constant respect, affection, and support – don’t stop believing in what you deserve in any part of your life. 

3. How much have I learned about the other person? I love chick-flicks, Disney movies, and Twilight…but, those silent, mysterious, and unsolved personalities are only “dreamy” when you first meet them. For example, a company’s image might be amazing, but you want to know the employee culture before you decide you want to work there. Don’t change that rule for a personal relationship. I am not talking about going too fast or taking it too slow- people can be together for a long time without actually knowing a lot about each other or vice versa. But don't be afraid to get to know what the other person really loves and really cares about.

And most importantly, remember, this is not about what is “hot” or how to get the cute guy or girl to notice you in class – those things are fleeting.What will stay the same? The fact that you deserve relationships that improve the quality of your life.

Never forget that and you will always qualify as a dating expert :)

So, uh what are your loves and dreams? 

Let's be friends.  
Be a leader not a follower, except when it comes to Twitter. 
Or feel free to email me at advice@communitycollegesuccess.com

How to Talk to Anyone: Conversation Starters

Want to talk to people but often don't know want to say? Want to vanquish the awkward silences in your college classes? This video will show you how :)

What to do if you fail (or get less than a B) on a test

Have you ever gotten less than a perfect grade on a test? We've all been there and it's never a good feeling. But what sets a successful student apart is what you do with the test once you get it back. Watch this week's vlog to find out how to turn not-so-great-grades into tools for future A's.

Top 5 Surprising Ways to Increase Your Popularity

When you think of popularity you probably think of snobby girls with Louis Vuttion purses or some version of the movie mean girls.  This is not the kind of popularity I am talking about. I just wanted to get your attention ;)

The better term would be likeable. Most "popular" people by our cultural definition are not necessarily likable. 

Being "popular" in that sense is not desirable. But being likeable is an incredibly valuable skill that can serve you well in every aspect of your life - (e.g. social, academic, professional, and self-esteem). 

So how do you be someone whom most people like? Someone who is popular on your campus amongst both students and professors. Someone people truly want to be around.

First of all you do not need your own reality TV show. Nor do you need to buy a designer purse. 

Start by asking yourself these questions: Do people like to be around you? Would people cheer loudly and genuinely for you if you won an award? Do people root for you, wish for your success, invite you to things, recommend you to other people?

I started thinking a lot about this quality after a big awards ceremony at my work where many employees won a variety of awards. There was a lot of obligatory applause, but when one janitor won an award for his many years of service the place electrified with people’s hoots and hollers and genuine excitement for this employee.

He was the only one who got a standing ovation. My eyes watered a bit as I stood there and clapped voraciously as I thought about our interaction just the day before – an interaction that I realized he must have had with all 800 pairs of clapping hands.

 It was a Monday and my week hadn’t gotten off to a good start. I was tired, feeling sick, stressed about some budget stuff, and was feeling a wave of negativity threaten to set the tone for my entire week.

And then this janitor popped his head into my office with the enthusiasm of a 10-year-old in the middle of recess and the sincerity of a mother and said “hi how are you doing today?” And he actually wanted to know how I was doing. His smile and genuine inquiry was literally a ray of light that burst through the dark clouds over my head and I instantly felt better. He made my day.

He was the most popular person at that awards banquet because he had at some point made everyone’s day in that room.

Do you make other people’s days? Are you that likeable? If not – you can be.

Being likeable builds confidence, helps you build relationships, and build a large social network that can support you. I heard in a recent training that people with genuine friends and positive social groups live longer.

Below are the top 5 things you can start doing today to be a more popular/likeable person wherever you are.

1. Smile

No one likes to be around someone who is grumpy all the time. Think about how you feel when a baby smiles at you. And what do you typically have to do to get a baby to smile at you? Smile.

People are naturally attracted to a smile. And bonus: when you smile – even if inside you’re not having such a great day – the act of smiling will help you feel better too.

So wherever you go, take time to look people in the eye and smile – even strangers. You will brighten their day, exude positive energy, and they will naturally want to be around you.  

(note: this can be very difficult to accomplish with the intense pull of the cell phone. How many times are you looking at your phone when walking down the hall. How many opportunities for smiling do you miss? How many times have you had a conversation with a friend while texting someone else at the same time? (guilty). Just because we can multi-task like this doesn’t mean it is healthy. As technology gets even more intense, it is the people who have the self-control to know when to put it away and create genuine connection with others who will be the most popular and successful).

2. Ask questions

How often do we ask people questions like “how are you doing?” but never really care about the response? Ask people questions about who they are, what’s going on in their life, and what interests they have. People love a great storyteller, but no one likes to be around people who constantly talking about themselves.  People will love you if you’re the kind of person who is always curious about who they are – the kind of person who asks a question and truly wants to know the answer. 


3. Listen

When people talk, too often we’re just thinking about what we’re going to say next. Instead, really listen to what others are saying and take mental notes  (or even real notes sometimes) about what you learn about them. If you bring up some of those details next time you talk you will blow them away with your ability to remember what is important to them.  People will love you for this.

4. Be positive

Life of course isn’t always wonderful, but you know those constant glass-half-empty people who always seem to have something to complain about? They can be exhausting to be around and people usually try to get away from them as often as possible. No need to be a Pollyanna, but people like people who are encouraging and positive. Take a look at your past 10 Facebook updates. How are you doing when it comes to projecting positivity and genuine connections with others?  How many “likes” do you get on something positive versus something really negative?

5. Compliment people

The best way you can make someone’s day is to give a compliment. Genuinely notice the people around you – and not just what they’re wearing but also who they are. Compliment people on their character, the way they handled a situation, or something you appreciate/admire about their personality. 

Think about compliments people have given you recently. How did they make you feel? How do you in turn feel about that person? You probably like them a lot. 

Jump In: The Impact of Your First Week

For many college students today marks the first week of classes. And for some, it’s time to dust off the backpack and the brain and begin a new year.

It’s easy to start by just dipping your toes in – not getting enough sleep the night before, zoning out as the professor reviews the syllabus, and kind of just skimming by that first week as a slow acclimation.

But the truth is – the way you start your first week of class will determine your grade at the end of the semester.

Have you ever swam in an ice cold spring or river? One time I went white-water rafting in Tennessee and the 50-degree water felt like daggers. Slowly wading from the shallow water to the deep to climb into the raft was painful. And getting splashed by annoying teenage boys was pure torture.

Jumping in the river from a rope swing, however, was really fun. I didn’t have as much time to dwell on the icy shock. Once I jumped in I began to have a great time.

College is very much like that river. Getting back into the routine of class, studying, and exams can be daunting. But it is not something to ease into, to expect to just happen.

You have to jump right in.  Do a swan dive, a cannon ball, a belly flop, or whatever you want, just go full force and don’t wait for the slow descent into stress or the shocking splash of an exam.

So how do you jump in?

You remember that this first week will determine your grade. You go in with vigor, with enthusiasm, and with the belief that you are successful and that you are going to get straight A’s.

You read the syllabus thoroughly. You mark in your planner when assignments and tests are going to be due. You set phone/calendar alarms (my fav is google calendar) to remind you of important due dates. You sit in the front of the class. You make friends in the first week.

You organize study groups. You scan the entire textbook. You get ahead on the first assignment.

You get to know the professor. You organize your binders, folders, backpack and make sure you have everything you need. You go to a club meeting, SGA, and/or a campus event. You wear nice outfits (e.g. not pajamas).

You go to the library.

Jump in.

College is a lot of work. But it is work that will pay off. And like jumping into that river – it can actually be a lot of fun. But what isn’t fun is being stressed and overwhelmed, being lonely, or feeling like you’re just not smart enough to get the grades you want.

The truth is you are smart enough. You control your grades.  And the way you approach this first week can prevent all of the stressors that often overwhelm college students as the semester progresses.

No matter what barriers you may face in pursuing your education, know and feel confident that you control your attitude and the effort you put forth.

And the perseverance and confidence you derive from jumping in will stay with you long after you receive your diploma.

In many ways I wish I was you right now. There was nothing I loved more than the first days of classes. Embrace them. Appreciate them. And remember that they can help you reach the goals you have for your life.

Success does not come to those who timidly, fearfully, or apathetically wade in the shallow waters. It comes to those who jump in with everything they've got. And if you’re the kind of person who reads a blog like this to the end, then I know you’re a jumper.

Thank you for reading and have an amazing first week :)

To read more about Isa's personal story & how you can build relationships to: make positive friends, be more successful in academics and work, find the right people to connect with, and access the hidden job market, grab a FREE e-copy of the first chapter of Community College Success: How to Finish with Friends, Scholarships, Internships, and the Career of Your Dreams! Claim your free copy on the Facebook page!

You Are Not Alone in Feeling Alone: How to Make Friends

Sitting on a bus on the way to a conference, one of the students I advise asked to sit with me. She wanted to talk about friends. Or rather, the lack thereof.

We talked about the sudden death of her brother and how she was afraid to get close to people because she learned early in life that they could leave you unexpectedly.

She lamented that after almost 2 years of community college she felt like she didn’t have a core group of close friends. Her grandpa’s words to her were always:

“In life you'll have lots of acquaintances, but you'll only have a handful of friends. People come and go, but if you are able to maintain at least one or two good friends, consider yourself lucky.”

She wanted to be lucky. She wanted some really good friends but looked around and felt alone. Really alone. Despite being around tons of people.

Making friends can be truly difficult in community college. I learned when I transferred to a University that most students made their friends in the hallways of their dorms or at the nighttime activities of their organizations and didn’t seem to have much reason to strike up a conversation with a new friend in class.

In community college, however, everyone was a commuter and class was our only opportunity to make friends. But few did.

Most go to class and go home, go to class, and go home. No interaction beyond what is necessary. Just get through the class. And go home. I call this drive-thru education and I think it’s kind of dangerous.

Relating to our peers is part of how we challenge our perspectives and develop our interpersonal skills. And making new friends is fun.

But as my student realized, it can also be really, really hard. She is not alone. And if you feel lonely – you’re not alone either.

In fact, many surveys and articles report that college students are often the loneliest group of all.

  

Media depicts college as a constant social party, which leads many to assume that if you don’t have tons of friends and a full social calendar something must be wrong with you. Nothing could be further from the truth.

We live in a fast-paced, technology driven, “Me-generation”, and it doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. Our modern life is not conducive to human connections. Real friendships take work. Creating community, making friends, takes real effort – and it starts with you.

In high school friendships are easier because you are with the same people, from the same town, of the same age, all day, for 4 years (sometimes more).

Life after high school makes making new friends difficult. But if you learn those skills now they will help you for the rest of your life – because making new friends can be difficult after college as well, just ask any post-grad you know.

If you find yourself feeling lonely and wondering why no one is calling or texting you, realize almost everyone else is feeling the same way. Only you can change your social situation. And while it does take effort and courage to put yourself out there, it is so worth it.

Because friends allow us to unleash a different part of ourselves. We don’t have to be our high school-self. We don’t have to be our college-self. We don’t have to be our work-self.  We don’t have to be our dating-self. We don’t have to be our I’m-trying-to-impress-people-self.

We can explore our real self.

We can delve into various interests, talk about our lives, and grow our perspectives.  And there is almost nothing better than laughing till you cry or crying till you laugh with a friend.

I’ve read a lot of quarter-life crisis books that talk about the college and post-college friendship struggle, but what drove me crazy is they only said the struggle existed – they didn’t tell me how to overcome it, how to make friends.

And then it made me feel like a loser because maybe no one else needed to know how to make friends during or after college. Maybe I was the only one.

But after many conversations I realized that was far from the truth. Many people struggle to make friends during the transitions of life, but not many people are as brave as my student was to talk about it.

Because we often think we are the only one.

So while I’m not the expert, below are some tips that I hope can help you expand your social circle, make some connections, and enjoy other people during and after college.

1.Take away the pressure. 

If you start imagining what your social life should look like and try to create it you will either overwhelm people or retract into your own little shell. 

Don’t try to imagine what your social life should be. Just enjoy whatever it is in the moment and in your current life stage.  Know it will change and know that is okay and perfectly normal.

2.Friends don’t have to be “forever.” 

BFF. It was fun to write each other's hands with gel pens. And some do have friends for almost their entire life and I think this is wonderful and an incredibly lucky feat.

But people move, people change, and sometimes that means our friends change.  Don’t let this get you down. Embrace the friends you have while you have them, and appreciate what they bring to your life during that time.

3.Turn Facebook into facetime. 

It’s so easy to hide behind our status and our tweets. Don’t let your social life be entirely on the computer.

Use Facebook to learn about what people are interested in or events they’re attending and GO. How many events lay dormant on your Facebook homepage? Try showing up and see what happens.

4.Be the inviter.  

How often do you wait for other people to text you to hang out? How many social events have you initiated? It isn’t hard. Invite someone out for coffee. Go to an event and invite some more people to go with you. 

Notice what’s going around town. Notice what’s going on in your campus. And just invite other people. They will love you for it.

(disclaimer: when you become the inviter sometimes you will want to put something together and everyone will be busy and no one will come. This is not because they don’t like you. It’s because we live in a world where as you get older friendships aren’t easy and people have to purposefully make it happen. Just because you are doesn’t mean they are. But keep inviting. Don’t give up. And don’t take it personally).

5.Join a club. 

Community colleges often have robust student life programs. The problem is so many students don’t take the time to engage with them.

Show up at an event. Join a club. Become an officer in a club. And you’ll have more friends and social events than you’ll know what to do with. (if you’re a post-grad, try joining a professional association in your field).

6.Volunteer. 

The United Way has a database in almost every county for volunteer events and opportunities. Show up. Start conversations. And contribute. You’ll meet great people.

7.Be vulnerable. 

I’m not saying to cry out your whole life story the first time you meet someone, but don’t be afraid to let out your insecurities, your fears, your hopes. Being honest is what bonds us. And when you’re vulnerable you give others permission to be themselves too.

8.Do something that interests you – alone. 

Too often we’re too afraid to try something new without trusted people at our side. It’s hard to make friends when you cling to the ones you already have. Go do something by yourself and be open to the new people around you.

If you want any further advice on friendships feel free to e-mail me at advice@communitycollegesuccess.com. And if you have any tips to provide please share them on the comments section of this blog or on Facebook or Twitter #makefriends. 

Does Dating Affect Your College Life?

Exams are finished and while many anxiously await their final grades, I recently had the realization that while grades and exams cause much stress in college, nothing seems to compare to the anxiety, stress, and frustration that seems to be caused by relationships. Specifically – dating relationships.

I recently had a conversation with some friends who were asking my advice on a plethora of relationship issues. Feeling very Dear Abby I was more than happy to play the part and dish out relationship advice. Who doesn’t love to play this role?

A few highlights came from that talk, and it made me think about how often relationships conflict with college. From nasty break ups to betrayals to heartbreak to long gossip trails, the anxiety and drama can so quickly envelop the day to day. And then grades, studying, friendships, and even health become lost in the swamp of relationship confusion.

Sure there are a few of those healthy mature relationships overflowing with genuine support and love  - the kind where you make each other better every day, grow and challenge each other, and enjoy each other’s company more than anyone else’s. These are a pleasure to watch and even more so to be a part of.

But what seems to plague most students are the troubled relationships. The one’s that seem great at first and then quickly spiral into great struggle that eventually turns college into a giant dumping ground of wasted energy.

Instead of delighting in the learning process, being challenged by new collegiate endeavors, investing and exploring friendships with a diversity of others, and discovering who you are and what you want to do with your life it is so easy to become encumbered with all the overwhelming feelings of relationship drama.

So the big question is, how do you avoid it? It’s easy to say just stay away, ignore the bad ones, find the good ones, man up, step up, get over it, he’s just not that into you, etc.

But the truth is, when you’re in the throes of a relationship, especially with someone you care (or cared) about, it’s difficult to see reason. It’s difficult to stay away. And it’s difficult to focus on school.

I’m not saying you have to be single to get the most out of your college experience. However, I do think it is important to consider who you invest in very carefully – at any period in your life – but especially in college as it is such a unique time in life when you are able to focus almost solely on your own self improvement, development, and growth.

Done right, that kind of self-investment can be the perfect recipe for eventually finding a great person to spend your life with.

Now I am no dating/relationship expert, but I have learned a lot from the incredible relationship I have with my husband as well as from the successful and tragic relationships of those around me. So college students, below are some points to consider for your dating life to ensure you are able to make the most of this time to grow, flourish, and succeed.

-    Be picky: Now please don’t start making a list that you want someone who’s “5 foot 6, black hair, blue eyes, plays guitar, has a red car, likes cats, wants 2.5 kids…..” In fact, I think it’s dangerous to be picky when it comes to the external.What I do think students aren’t picky enough about is finding someone who shares their values and who has the kind of character they are looking for. And most importantly, holding out for someone who really, truly, cares about them and causes more joy than pain. Be picky about who you let into your life.

-    Invest in yourself: In all the best relationships stories I’ve ever heard it seems they met while doing something they both loved or engaging in some sort of mutual activity. Enjoy college and enjoy being single. Engage in your interests and your friends and take full advantage of the unique freedom you have in college to explore so many avenues of life. Chase the experiences. Let go of the pressure.

-    Don’t chase: I find so many people trying to force relationships that just aren’t happy or beneficial. Typically one person is more into it than the other and one is chasing. Chasing may work in the short term but it seems to never work for the long term. The truth is, you deserve someone who wants to be with you.

-    Save the drama for your mama: Okay so I really don’t know what this means but I just wanted to say it. Essentially, catch yourself when you find yourself engaging in the drama of your relationship or a friend’s. It only leads to emotional self-destruction.

-    Love yourself:  I know this sounds super hippy and cheesy. But what I really mean is to engage and learn about who you are during this time. Being confident in yourself first is the most attractive quality there is. It is the kind of confidence that comes from the quiet self-discovery of your strengths and abilities, and the understanding and peace that comes from knowing that you are enough.

Always remember a relationship should be a positive addition to your life. All you have to do is continue to focus on making your life a positive addition to this world.  

Screens and Faces: The Lost Art of Conversation

So I finally got my first smart phone this week. I know I know, I’m behind. WAY behind. I always have been when it comes to technology, and not out of ignorance, but by choice. Why? Because I love face-to-face conversations and technology always seemed to be this sharp ax that just slowly but surely chipped away at human interaction.

I once had e-mail on my phone in college and I found myself looking down at my phone while walking from class to class. And I’d reply back to e-mails while sitting and waiting for class to start. Everyone else was doing this too, so I figured it wasn’t a big deal.

But then I kind of realized that instead I could have been talking to people. I started to get lonely and realized I wasn’t making much effort to socialize (effort that must be made especially if you are a commuter college student) and got the internet taken off my phone.

And it did help. I was focused on my surroundings more. I had time to think, to ponder, to marinate ideas. And I talked more. To people. Face to face.

Speaking of face, I just watched The Social Network (which is fantastic) this week so I’ve been thinking a lot about Facebook and all the ways technology does connect us. For example I’ve reunited with old best friends from 2^nd grade and have found through the ebb and flow of Facebook identity sharing that we’d probably still be best friends if we hadn’t moved away.

Through the internet I’ve learned and researched thousands of new concepts and ideas, have been led to meet with inspiring people, and have had the opportunity to share my own thoughts through this blog.

I could go on and on about all of the ways technology serves our human connections. But when that technology is attached to our bodies via our phones, it has great potential to hinder the focus we have during a conversation with another person.

I’m sure like me you probably talk to people every single day and your eyes are not literally glued to your phone. However, how many times have you been talking with someone and that little ding of a text makes your eyes shift from their face to your screen? How many times do you think you could have gotten into an incredible conversation but it was diverted due to that technological pull? 

I know it has happened to me.

And while I’m sure like me you talk to people every day, how often do you have an actual conversation? An uninterrupted time where you sit face-to-face with someone and simply talk, share your ideas, share your lives, laugh, and uncover some new treasure of knowledge from that person’s experience?

During my spring break I had the opportunity (and the time) to rediscover the power and the magic of these kinds of conversations. They renewed my spirit and unleashed fresh motivation, desire, and a hunger for more human connection.

So this morning’s blog is dedicated to those people who turned off their phones and had a conversation with me. Those people who made this week one of the best of my life. Those people who shared themselves.

My challenge to you this week is to turn off your phone once in a while and make time to just talk with people. And be sure to listen too. Nothing will ever replace the art of face-to-face human connection, and the more and more our world advances technologically (and it happens fast…I was at the mall this week and saw for the first time the huge production that is lining up at the Mac store for the latest and greatest) the more of an effort we will have to make to not lose this vital aspect of who we are.

Conversation elevates, inspires, motivates, develops, and changes us. And college is one of the most important times to have these conversations. But don’t ever stop.

Because every conversation will often lead to an important lesson, idea, or a connection that will inspire. Below are some of the lessons and epiphanies I had during some of my favorite conversations this week:

*Sometimes the nicest people really do get the success they deserve; a positive, friendly, and humble attitude really does go far (Convo with Ashley McCormick, the most amazing photographer in the world).

*There are people out there who have passion to create community in places where there is none. Who want to bring art and music and gardening and sustainability to people who don’t seem to care. People who instinctively know that middle school students who are “bad” should not be locked in a room all day. People who give the guy at Panera her cup so he won’t have to waste another one. It’s all about passion, belief, and simple, small, daily change. That is where greatness comes from (Convo with Valerie, my middle school and high school best friend).

*It’s never too late to start a new adventure, and why not create a business from what you love? (Convos with Rose and my Mom).

*Jump even if you are afraid (Convo with the 13-year-old Canadian boy we met zip lining).

*Meeting successful young women is truly inspiring. Especially when they are incredibly gracious and despite their busy and demanding schedule make you feel like you are the most important person in the world. It’s almost impossible to find good role models in today’s celebrity-obsessed culture. I found one this week. (Convo with Kristin Harmel, incredible author and reporter – find and read her amazing books here!)

*Failure is the only path to success. If you aren’t failing then you must not be trying hard enough. And the only way to reach your ideal is to give your all wherever you are. And remember that when you are young and fresh out of college you probably will be an intern or an assistant or some “low” job on the totem poll. Embrace it and make the most of it because those who do will be those for whom doors of opportunity will open (Convo with Creative Manager who has worked with Paul McCartney and Ringo Star).

These nuggets of wisdom and inspiration have fueled me this week. And they all started with two people sitting down (sometimes with a cup of coffee, a cake pop, or a delicious dirty chai tea - thanks for that discovery Val) and talking – without interruptions.

Try it this week. Invite someone to hang out via Facebook or text right now. You’ll be amazed at what you learn about him/her, about yourself, and about the world. 

Exchange ideas. Exchange kindness. Exchange words. And above all, listen deeply.