An overachiever's guide to failure and uncertainty

Overachiever: someone who's good at following the rules, going the extra mile, getting the A; also adept at avoiding failure.

That's not Webster's definition, it's just the first thing that came to my mind.

Hi, my name is Isa and I'm an overachiever. 

My overachiever's nature has led me to deeply explore the world of success, who gets it, what makes it, how hard you have to work to get it, what it requires, etc.

And the kind of success I tend to admire most is the kind had by the rule breakers, the artists, the creators, the entrepreneurs, the inventors, the leaders. 

By nature I'm not a rule breaker. I'm a rule follower. I'm not comfortable with risk, adventure, uncertainty, and, the big one, failure.

For the most of my life, this served me well.

School was made for overachievers. We're lucky in that. Privileged in fact. Overachievers can continue to follow the rules and do very well in life.

But what about the brand of overachievers who aren't interested in careers where rule-following matters. What if you want to overachieve at something that's scary, risky, and requires lots of failure along the way?

If that describes you, then this is just for you; it's something I wish I'd had before I set out on my journey of trying to overachieve in the world of risk and uncertainty.

An Overachiever's Guide to Failure and Uncertainty

1 - Drown out the noise
There are a lot of rules around you, a lot of paths, a lot of people telling you what success is. Sometimes as overachievers we get so wrapped up in the definitions being put upon us (we're good at that, remember? There isn't a class we can't ace, a syllabus we can't follow) but we rarely stop and think about our real values and priorities, and how we really want to define what success means in our lives. 

Find a quiet place, grab a notebook or a great journal, and start by writing out what success really means to you - if judgement, money, and rules weren't a factor, what would success really look like in your life? Forget about every other expectation or expected path, and just write like no one's judging (or grading ;)).

2 - Read books about people you admire
Once you've really thought about what success looks like to you, find some books about people who have achieved that kind of success. Pay close attention to their failures and the uncertainty in their path. What risks did they have to take? What happened when they failed? What kept them going? Why did their pursuit matter? When did they have to evolve their dreams? Who helped them along the way?  

Write down the insights you gain and find someone to talk with about the ideas you gleam.

3 - Admit failure and uncertainty
There's often a pressure to seem like you have it all together. "You don't know your major yet!? You don't have a five year plan?! You must be the worst person ever." Okay, so it might not always be that dramatic, but it can feel that way sometimes.

Don't be afraid to answer these questions honestly, especially when talking to friends. Admit that you are still trying to figure it out. Some of the most successful people I've met aren't afraid to say "I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up." 

I've noticed that most of the successful people I admire, talk to, and read about, seem to embrace uncertainty and failure like friends. It's not that the processes are fun (they're not!) but they understand that they are a mandatory part of the journey.

There's nothing like being given permission to admit you're unsure and afraid. Be honest and give others permission to talk about the failure and uncertainty in their lives. When you admit your failures/uncertainties, you can almost see people relax, their shoulders drop, their breathing slows, and they think, "ahh, finally, I don't have to pretend. We can be real here for a moment." 

Create those conversations and bask in the honesty.

4 - Know that it's the worst
Okay, so, as an overachiever I've got to be honest: I hate failure and uncertainty! If you're one of those people who are all zen about failure and uncertainty then good for you, please share your tips in the comments below. But here's the honest truth, as an overachiever, I've found that it's not about having to love failure and uncertainty - it's about learning how to survive it and then let the act of surviving it build your confidence instead of tearing it down permanently (even if it does shake it for a while).

Failure curls me into a little ball on the stairs, in wracking sobs. Uncertainty makes me feel like I'm having a panic attack on the inside while moving in slow motion on the outside. 

Knowing that coming up against setbacks (and sometimes feeling terrible about it) is normal (and a required part of success) is what keeps me from giving up. Steps 1-3 are what keep me going forward.

When you do hit a wall, a setback, a failure, or a moment when you're almost paralyzed by the uncertainty of your future, know that it's okay if it makes you feel terrible. Talk to someone. Don't go through it alone. It's okay to cry. It's also okay to adjust your direction. Sometimes it's good to quit. The key is just not to give up on you. 

And be careful not to "avoid failure" so much so that you also avoid the kind of success that might mean the most to you, the kind of overachieving that you really dream of, the kind that is impossible without risk and uncertainty, the kind that might involve breaking a few rules (or being okay with a B...;)). 

"Success and failure are not two separate roads...success and failure are on the same road, just picture success farther down that road." - Dr. Cathy Collautt

Ask Isa: "What do I do when my 4.0 is in danger?"

From the Ask Isa inbox:

Dear Isa,

I'm having such a hard time in two of my classes this semester. I'm a full time, straight-A student but I can't seem to get higher than a 88 on my exams in both courses. They happen to be with the same professor also. 

This is my second to last semester and losing my 4.0 is not an option for me. I'm not doing anything different from previous semesters. I work hard, study hard, and attend class regularly. I have mentioned my concerns to my professor and she said, "tests were not meant to be easy." 

I don't know how to correct this problem and turn things around to improve my grade. Can you please offer me some advice?

Sincerely,

Heartbroken, Devastated, and Worried

Dear Heartbroken,

Congratulations on getting such stellar grades so far and for being so concerned with doing well. That desire alone will take you far, but it's important not to let it overwhelm your desire to learn and grow. 

I too an am overachiever and worked hard to keep my 4.0 throughout high school, college, and graduate school. And I'll never forget my first B's.

In high school it was pottery and geometry.

In college it was qualitative analysis.

And I agonized much in the same way you are. I looked at my habits and asked myself if any of these grades were because I wasn't working hard enough. I came to the same conclusion you did - I was doing everything I could. 

It's vital to recognize our academic strengths and weaknesses, and remember that your effort, not your grades, is what will take you the farthest in your life.

Your grades do not define you, and while I think it is a good thing to work as hard as you can to get a 4.0, getting anything less does not mean you are a failure.

Use any B's (or any grade less than an A for that matter) as a chance to learn. Ask yourself the following questions:

1) Did I do everything I could to do well on this?
2) Was there more time I should have spent studying or seeking a tutor?
3) Did I seek the professor's feedback multiple times throughout the process of studying or doing the project to be sure I was on the right track?
4) Is this class similar to something I'm majoring in?
5) Do I want to continue to take classes like this in my future?

When I got B's I asked myself these questions, and usually came to the conclusion that those subjects were not in my strength areas, and thus allowed myself to actually be proud of my B's, versus letting them get me down.

I really am horrible at pottery. My spatial intelligence is pathetic (never ask me to read a map for you). And qualitative analysis was just a really tough class.

I used this information, however, to my advantage when making choices in my future. For example, I decided to focus on algebra and statistics when I had math choices, I focused on drawing electives instead of pottery, and when it came time for me to do my undergraduate research, I chose rhetorical analysis instead of qualitative. 

Use the knowledge about yourself that you're gaining to your advantage and be strategic. 

And finally, when talking to your professor, do not lament over your grades (do that with close friends or mentors), but instead use your time with your professor to ask for honest feedback. 

Go over the questions you missed on the exams and identify the problems. While it's helpful to focus on your strengths, you can also improve by focusing hard on those weaknesses to help improve your grades in those classes. 

Also ask your professor for advice on what you can do to improve. Your professor will be much more apt to help you improve then to comfort you when you're sad about your grades. Use that advice to your advantage.

Best of luck, and remember that your grades do not define you. A 4.0 is a wonderful goal, and aiming high will take you far. But do not let it limit your confidence or your potential to learn from every grade and appreciate your efforts.

You are doing a great job, and don't let any letter ever make you feel less than what you are - a successful and dedicated student.

Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Isa

An overachiever's survival guide to group projects

A student recently submitted the following question to the Ask Isa inbox:

"Group projects really stress me out because I like to be 'in control' of my work. It also seems a few of us always have to pick up the slack for others, which adds to my stress. 

"I also don't like the idea of someone else's work possibly impacting my grade. Right now I am in a group with one other hard worker, one so-so worker, and two major slackers. And that is the best group I have been in so far!

"I found out that the majority of my remaining classes involve group projects; I enjoy school except for this! Most of the students I have talked to about group projects despise them. What should I do to get through this? Sincerely, Group Project Hater."

Dear Group Project Hater,

I love people, and love working with other high achievers to produce something spectacular. In my current consulting job, I get to work with amazing people; and the things we come up with together are truly greater than anything I would come up with on my own. 

But I am 100% with you on this one; the announcement of a new group project in college caused my breath to shorten and blood pressure to skyrocket. Noooooooooo!!! I'd think. I too hated a project not in my full control.

Working with people who do not share your work ethic or enthusiasm is downright painful. 

So what do you do to manage the stress and get a good grade, without doing all the work yourself?  

Below are the steps I took to always ace my group projects, even when I was working with others who weren't interested in working very hard:

1) Set your priorities. If your first priority is to make sure everyone does exactly the same amount of work, you are going to feel stressed. Instead, set priorities in an order that will ensure you get the best results with little stress. My group project priorities were always:

a) get a good grade
b) enjoy the experience
c) empower everyone to do their part

2) Enjoy. Don't forget to have "enjoy the experience" somewhere on your priority list. 

Group projects that are all stress and no fun will not produce the best results. Let creativity flow by enjoying each other's company along the way (e.g. set up group meetings at favorite hangout spots; set aside time for conversation just to get to know your group members.)

3) Become the project expert. When assigned the project, decide to become the expert on the assignment directions and the best process to easily get the job done. 

On the first day assigned, read the project directions carefully, meet with the professor for any needed clarifications, and then draft a process that you think will best divide the project up. 

Do not wait until the first group meeting to come up with a plan of action together - come prepared with one. 

Consider how many people are in your group, what aspects of the project need to be completed (e.g. research, writing, formatting, PowerPoint slides, etc.), and how things could best be divided and yet still come together into a cohesive whole. 

When you establish yourself as the expert and make the project more manageable for everyone else they will love you for it and will look to you to help guide the work. Not only does this help you ensure you will get a good grade, but it also divides the work and empowers everyone in the group to contribute their part. 

3) Use the professor as a last resort. Leave the professor out of the interpersonal conflicts as much as possible. Try to work things out among yourselves, and only go to the professor when you feel like you have tried everything else. 

If you do have to go to the professor, do not start by complaining. Professors are more than aware that group projects cause interpersonal difficulty, and will probably not have a ton of sympathy for your situation. 

Instead, approach it maturely, expressing your understanding that this is a learning process, but that you are concerned chiefly about your grade because you are working hard and want to do well in the class. 

Ask your professor for advice about what you should do, and inquire if there is any kind of "group grading" process at the end (e.g. some professors have each group member anonymously "grade" each other based on how well they worked and how much effort they put in, as well as documenting what each person did).

If not, take any advice your professor gives and try to work things out. If, when you get your project grade back, it is not what you believe you deserved, set up an appointment the professor and express your concern and ask what can be done.

While I have worked with some difficult people throughout college group projects, in the end my grades were never negatively affected (because I always used the process explained in steps 1-3).  But I know on rare occasions there will be situations with group members that are completely out of your control. 

4) Grow. Use every group project as an opportunity to develop your management and interpersonal skills. It will be painful, but you will get better. . 

Because no matter what major we choose or what kinds of jobs we take, collaborative work will always be a part of our lives (e.g. ever tried to plan a vacation with your family?).

I hope my strategy helps you, but feel free to tweak it and come up with whatever works for you. You'll know you have it right when you find yourself laughing during a group meeting, enjoying yourself and the people around you, confident in the product you all are creating. 

Sincerely,

Isa 

If you have a question you'd like to see answered on the blog, submit it anonymously in the Ask Isa inbox. You'd be surprised how many other students you will help by asking :)