The easiest thing you can do to make a difference on your college campus

Have you ever smiled at a baby who smiled back? 

It's a pretty wonderful feeling. 

And it's something I do every chance I get (so far no parents have thought I was crazy...at least...I don't think... ;))

I travel a lot and there are a lot of little kids flying in and out of my hometown airport (also the hometown of a famous mouse). 

And I love to smile at them. Because they always smile back. And it makes me happy, which is especially helpful during what can sometimes be the stressful hustle and bustle of travel.

One of the reasons babies smile back, so I've read, are because of mirror neurons. It's the same thing that makes you model the expressions and emotions of people in movies (stop and notice your expression during a sad part of a movie...mirror neurons are for real!)

But I think it's also something else. Now I don't know exactly what babies are thinking, but I do think there'ssomething to the power of human attention. A smile with eye contact says, "I see you; you matter." I think, from cradle-to-grave, that is something we all crave every day. 


And while I spend a lot of time speaking to faculty and staff about the importance of these kinds of habits when working with students, I also think it's something you can practice on campus.

I'm not saying to walk through campus with some big fake smile plastered on your face (that would be creepy...) but I am saying, smile even when you don't feel like it. Notice people around you. 

Instead of burying your face in your phone while walking to class and waiting around for the professor, try looking up and giving someone a small, authentic smile. Something that says "Hi, I'm not crazy, I swear, just nice, just trying something this crazy blogger lady put into my head...also, I see you; you matter." ;)

Seriously, though. Try this. 

When I was in high school I once read in a magazine that the best way to be popular was to smile. It wasn't talking about the kind of "popular" that requires money or rebellion. It was the kind where a lot of people, from all different walks of life and cliques, genuinely like you because you show that you care about them. You make them feel important. 

You have more power on your campus than you realize to affect things. The first section of my book is about "Peers" for a reason. You matter on your campus, and the way you show up and the attitude you bring affects others around you.

You never know who might be on the brink of dropping out. Who might be going through a family tragedy. Or who might have just gotten a soul-crushing test grade. 

Smile at people. Make them feel important. There are more students on your campus than you know who are just dying for someone to "say:"

I see you; you matter.

50 Ways to Make Friends in Community College

The number one thing students e-mail me about is how to make friends in college. While some people may think students should be worried about other things - I get it completely.

The first section of my book is literally about how to make friends in college and why having a supportive and positive peer group is so important to your college success. 

We all need those positive social connections; I've read tons of research that proves just how much we actually need each other. And social media is not enough. 

So inspired by all the heartfelt e-mails I receive from community college students around the world who are anxious about making friends in college, this is for you. 

You'll note none of the ideas below includes "wait around for someone to invite you to something." This is about taking action, being bold, and taking full ownership of your entire college experience. You can do this. 

50 Ways to Make Friends in Community College

1. Join an intramural sports team (or start one)

2. Start a study group for a big test

3. Join a club

4. Start a club

5. Ask someone in class for help

6. Compliment someone in your class

7. Pass around a piece of paper asking for basic contact info from anyone who wants to be a part of a study group (or send a group e-mail if you have access to that)

8. Plan something fun to do after a group project meeting (e.g. don't leave after the work is done - invite people to do something else after, even if just a meal; or plan a celebratory outing once you turn in your project)

9. Get comfortable with rejection: making new friends requires boldness, courage, and effort. Keep asking and inviting and don't take it personally if no one shows up. It doesn't say ANYTHING about you. People get stuck in their routines and it's hard for them to break out. Keep asking and eventually you'll find people you really click with.

10. Be bold and ask your classmates to connect with you on social media; instead of just commenting on their pictures online, make comments in person before/after class to start conversations (just don't be stalkerish...)

11. Get a part time job at the college that involves meeting/helping students

12. Go to tutoring or become a tutor

13. JOIN A CLUB

14. Study abroad

15. Go to ANY kind of conference or trip that your college offers

16. Join an honors or other specialty program (see if there is a Phi Theta Kappa chapter on your campus!)

17. Sit somewhere else in class if the people around you aren't very talkative/friendly

18. Don't be afraid to (kindly) jump into conversations you hear around you (nothing personal, of course, but when others are discussing general topics)

19. Start conversations in class about random topics of the day (e.g. what's trending on twitter, the latest goofy video, pop culture, news, etc.). Just ask "hey has anyone seen/heard....?" And watch what happens. (My fav way to quickly get the news each day is the Skimm.)

20. Ask a question of the whole class to get conversation going

21. Be the smartest person in the room (e.g.if you always go above and beyond in your classes people will quickly recognize it and ask you for help)

22. JOIN A CLUB

23. If you can, commit to being on campus all day for at least two full days so you have plenty of time to schedule hangouts and go to club meetings. To make friends you have to be willing to make time. 

24. Do your homework ahead of time so you have plenty of time to socialize

25. Form a consistent study group that meets weekly to do homework together and hang out (be the organizer, book a study room with the library or scope out a good place on campus) *but of course still study on your own; study groups should be more for reviewing information and hanging out

26. Volunteer at a local organization you care about. Making friends in college doesn't always have to mean your friends have to be in college too. Get involved in your community and socialize that way; I also recently read that giving social support to others is actually even more beneficial than receiving it.

27. Sign up for a peer mentor program (see if your college has one; if not - start one!)

28. Be a peer mentor

29. Invite five people on your social media out to lunch/coffee (or whatever your thing is) each week (usually only one will actually work out each week, so it's best to ask a lot of people). 

30. See if your college has a game room and hang out there (lots of friends were made around the pool table at my community college)

31. Visit your student life office and ask about clubs as well as other events and opportunities. Go to EVERY one you can and see what clicks.

32. E-mail the student life office right away and find out when Club Recruitment is so you don't miss it (this is when clubs set up tables to recruit new members). Go to this each semester and talk to every table until you find the people or organization you click with. 

33. Join as many clubs and attend as many events as you can the first semester. Get involved, go to events, help out wherever possible. Then decide which one you really want to commit to wholeheartedly and become an officer.

34. Start an event or initiative on your campus. Like-minded people will follow.

35. Start or join a book club

36. If you can afford it, move out of your parents house and re-create the dorm experience by getting an apartment with some roommates near campus

37. Don't be afraid to hang out with "old" friends IF they're still good friends. You should branch out and make new friends in college, but it doesn't mean high school friends should be tossed aside just because they're "old" friends. DO distance yourself from any friends, high school or college, who are bad influences. Focus on hanging out with people who encourage you, believe in your college/career dreams, and genuinely want the best for you.

38. Resist the comfort of your phone. Turn it off before class and make conversation instead. Nothing says "I'm not interested in making friends" more than being on your phone, even if of course that's not the message you're trying to send. It usually means "this feels awkward so I'm going to be on my phone." Embrace the awkward and make friends in class. 

39. Join a club

40. Join a club

41. Join a club

42. Join a club

43. Join a club

44. Join a club

45. Join a club

46. Join a club

47. Join a club

48. Join a club

49. Join a club

50. Join a club

Most colleges realize that socialization is important. That is why clubs exist at every college! It is by far the easiest and best way to make friends in college. 

You'd also be surprised at the leadership skills you already possess - if you don't see what you're looking for don't be afraid to start something new. There are most likely other people looking for the same thing. 

Choose your friends wisely and surround yourself with people who want to do well in school. 

Join clubs that seem fun, and then have fun! If you focus on having a great time in college, doing things you enjoy, and prioritizing your success, you'll find yourself with a wealth of opportunities and surrounded by some pretty outstanding people. 

Be brave. Be bold. Start things. Invite people. Keep trying. And remember that most of the people you talk to will be so grateful that you reached out to them. 

For more advice on making friends in college and building the kind of college community necessary for success, check out my book Community College Success. :)

How to be bolder in college

Last weekend I went to Disney with a friend who is in her senior year of college. It was the last day of her Spring Break, and we roamed EPCOT, instagraming ourselves in every country, eating lots in Italy, China, and Germany. 

When the sun went down it got chilly and we walked to our locker to retrieve our jackets. My friend returned the locker key inside, and the young guy behind the counter started making conversation with her. She learned he was an intern with the Disney College Program, and he kept asking her questions. I noticed this was more than just a friendly exchange. There was chemistry. 

We walked away and she seemed to glow. We didn't talk about it, but continued excitedly into the park, rode Test Track, and then devoured honey chicken and sweet and sour pork in China.

But then, with a few grains of white rice left on the plate and in the contented silence after a perfect meal, my friend said, "I have this crazy idea that I should give that guy my number." 

She is shy, and I have never been outgoing myself. But something about that statement just seemed right, exciting, and a perfect thing to do on the last day of spring break. So I said, "why not?"

So with a boldness I had never seen from her, she wrote down her number on the receipt after we paid for our meal, and we marched up to the front of the park. I could hear her heart pounding, trying to talk herself out of it but knowing she would kick herself if she didn't go through with it. 

But when we peeked in the store, he was gone. 

My friend realized that she wasn't ready to give up; she strolled in and asked the new people at the counter if his shift had ended or if maybe, just maybe, he was on break. Sure enough, he was on break and would be back in half an hour. 

She left the store and we laughed, feeling like silly 7th graders.

We continued to dessert and watched the fireworks.

On our way out of the park, we peeked in that store one more time, officially feeling like stalkers. There he was, behind a counter teeming with tired vacationers trying to get their pictures from the day. It seemed like it was over. 

But then, in an instant he moved to the end of the counter and there was a break in the line of customers; my friend walked into the store, said "hey, I don't usually do this, but you seem cool and I wanted to give you my number in case you ever want to hang out before you leave" (he lived in another state and was only in Florida for the college program). 

I kept darting my eyes in to see his reaction; this guy's face lit up and he and the worker next to him looked stunned. I'm guessing this doesn't happen to them often.

I could also tell that their night had been made. My friend had given them  a fun story to tell, had shaken things up, done something surprising, and came out on the other end feeling like she had grown in some unspeakable way. 

I don't want to disappoint you, but this isn't a love story. The guy texted my friend the next day and said she indeed did make his day and he thought she was really cute, but that he was already talking to a girl at his college back home. 

But all along we both knew this story was never about her and this guy living happily ever after. It was about doing something you don't usually do, something outside your comfort zone.  

There was something magical in my friend's boldness. I've known her since she was a freshman in college, and I saw something new in her that day. Typically a shy, reserved person, she was now willing to reach out even when it seemed crazy. 

This is not about why you should give random people your number (I do not recommend this in most situations), but it is about taking chances in your college experience, meeting new people, and being unafraid to be bold -- even if it means it might not work out the way you think. 

Is there an opportunity you've been holding back on? Is there a person in your class you think seems cool but you're feeling too afraid to start a conversation? Is there something you've always wanted to do but are putting it off because you're scared?

Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. We rarely do because we want to avoid that burning feeling of rejection. 

But when you take risks in spite of rejection, you might find that the burning feeling can also transform into fuel that can teach you something and propel you forward, towards a destination you might have never discovered otherwise. 

So throw some caution to the wind and do something scary. It might not work out, and that's okay. But what if it does? 

You Are Not Alone in Feeling Alone: How to Make Friends

Sitting on a bus on the way to a conference, one of the students I advise asked to sit with me. She wanted to talk about friends. Or rather, the lack thereof.

We talked about the sudden death of her brother and how she was afraid to get close to people because she learned early in life that they could leave you unexpectedly.

She lamented that after almost 2 years of community college she felt like she didn’t have a core group of close friends. Her grandpa’s words to her were always:

“In life you'll have lots of acquaintances, but you'll only have a handful of friends. People come and go, but if you are able to maintain at least one or two good friends, consider yourself lucky.”

She wanted to be lucky. She wanted some really good friends but looked around and felt alone. Really alone. Despite being around tons of people.

Making friends can be truly difficult in community college. I learned when I transferred to a University that most students made their friends in the hallways of their dorms or at the nighttime activities of their organizations and didn’t seem to have much reason to strike up a conversation with a new friend in class.

In community college, however, everyone was a commuter and class was our only opportunity to make friends. But few did.

Most go to class and go home, go to class, and go home. No interaction beyond what is necessary. Just get through the class. And go home. I call this drive-thru education and I think it’s kind of dangerous.

Relating to our peers is part of how we challenge our perspectives and develop our interpersonal skills. And making new friends is fun.

But as my student realized, it can also be really, really hard. She is not alone. And if you feel lonely – you’re not alone either.

In fact, many surveys and articles report that college students are often the loneliest group of all.

  

Media depicts college as a constant social party, which leads many to assume that if you don’t have tons of friends and a full social calendar something must be wrong with you. Nothing could be further from the truth.

We live in a fast-paced, technology driven, “Me-generation”, and it doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. Our modern life is not conducive to human connections. Real friendships take work. Creating community, making friends, takes real effort – and it starts with you.

In high school friendships are easier because you are with the same people, from the same town, of the same age, all day, for 4 years (sometimes more).

Life after high school makes making new friends difficult. But if you learn those skills now they will help you for the rest of your life – because making new friends can be difficult after college as well, just ask any post-grad you know.

If you find yourself feeling lonely and wondering why no one is calling or texting you, realize almost everyone else is feeling the same way. Only you can change your social situation. And while it does take effort and courage to put yourself out there, it is so worth it.

Because friends allow us to unleash a different part of ourselves. We don’t have to be our high school-self. We don’t have to be our college-self. We don’t have to be our work-self.  We don’t have to be our dating-self. We don’t have to be our I’m-trying-to-impress-people-self.

We can explore our real self.

We can delve into various interests, talk about our lives, and grow our perspectives.  And there is almost nothing better than laughing till you cry or crying till you laugh with a friend.

I’ve read a lot of quarter-life crisis books that talk about the college and post-college friendship struggle, but what drove me crazy is they only said the struggle existed – they didn’t tell me how to overcome it, how to make friends.

And then it made me feel like a loser because maybe no one else needed to know how to make friends during or after college. Maybe I was the only one.

But after many conversations I realized that was far from the truth. Many people struggle to make friends during the transitions of life, but not many people are as brave as my student was to talk about it.

Because we often think we are the only one.

So while I’m not the expert, below are some tips that I hope can help you expand your social circle, make some connections, and enjoy other people during and after college.

1.Take away the pressure. 

If you start imagining what your social life should look like and try to create it you will either overwhelm people or retract into your own little shell. 

Don’t try to imagine what your social life should be. Just enjoy whatever it is in the moment and in your current life stage.  Know it will change and know that is okay and perfectly normal.

2.Friends don’t have to be “forever.” 

BFF. It was fun to write each other's hands with gel pens. And some do have friends for almost their entire life and I think this is wonderful and an incredibly lucky feat.

But people move, people change, and sometimes that means our friends change.  Don’t let this get you down. Embrace the friends you have while you have them, and appreciate what they bring to your life during that time.

3.Turn Facebook into facetime. 

It’s so easy to hide behind our status and our tweets. Don’t let your social life be entirely on the computer.

Use Facebook to learn about what people are interested in or events they’re attending and GO. How many events lay dormant on your Facebook homepage? Try showing up and see what happens.

4.Be the inviter.  

How often do you wait for other people to text you to hang out? How many social events have you initiated? It isn’t hard. Invite someone out for coffee. Go to an event and invite some more people to go with you. 

Notice what’s going around town. Notice what’s going on in your campus. And just invite other people. They will love you for it.

(disclaimer: when you become the inviter sometimes you will want to put something together and everyone will be busy and no one will come. This is not because they don’t like you. It’s because we live in a world where as you get older friendships aren’t easy and people have to purposefully make it happen. Just because you are doesn’t mean they are. But keep inviting. Don’t give up. And don’t take it personally).

5.Join a club. 

Community colleges often have robust student life programs. The problem is so many students don’t take the time to engage with them.

Show up at an event. Join a club. Become an officer in a club. And you’ll have more friends and social events than you’ll know what to do with. (if you’re a post-grad, try joining a professional association in your field).

6.Volunteer. 

The United Way has a database in almost every county for volunteer events and opportunities. Show up. Start conversations. And contribute. You’ll meet great people.

7.Be vulnerable. 

I’m not saying to cry out your whole life story the first time you meet someone, but don’t be afraid to let out your insecurities, your fears, your hopes. Being honest is what bonds us. And when you’re vulnerable you give others permission to be themselves too.

8.Do something that interests you – alone. 

Too often we’re too afraid to try something new without trusted people at our side. It’s hard to make friends when you cling to the ones you already have. Go do something by yourself and be open to the new people around you.

If you want any further advice on friendships feel free to e-mail me at advice@communitycollegesuccess.com. And if you have any tips to provide please share them on the comments section of this blog or on Facebook or Twitter #makefriends.