What to say when someone invites you to something in college

YES!

Let me explain. 

Last week I woke up in such a good mood. It was just one of those days where you actually feel motivated and energized. I work like I feel that way every day, but I don't always feel that way. Today I did, and on days like that I don't like to be alone. 

So I texted a friend whom I know has some flexibility in her day (she's a college professor) and asked her if she wanted to meet me for tea that afternoon. I didn't have a car that day so I needed her to drive pretty far to come pick me up. I didn't think she'd be able to, but I had to ask because I really needed someone to bounce all the energy and ideas I was having off of. 

To my surprise, she said she'd head over soon to pick me up!

When I got in the car, I told her how excited I was that she just said yes, and she told me this:

"I made a rule for myself in college that anytime someone invites me to something I should just say 'yes,' and I still use that rule today."

I love this!

And okay, so of course there are exceptions. I'm not talking about dating or parties or doing anything dangerous or any other kind of other college shenanigans. ;) 

Nor am I saying you need to say "Yes" to everything. You don't need to do everything in college. But when someone first invites you to something, you should make it a rule to say yes. The "rule" part helps re-train your brain that's probably conditioned to say 'no.' Your brain says, 'new is scary,' and 'routine is safe.'

And once you there it doesn't mean you have to keep saying yes - yes to the friendship, yes to joining a club, etc. But if you don't say yes initially, you'll never know what you might be missing. 

This is especially for all the commuters out there:

Stop going to class and going home!

When someone invites you to a club meeting or event, say yes and go.

When someone invites you to lunch or coffee, say yes and go. 

And if no one is inviting you, start inviting other people until someone says yes.

Don't take the no's personally, but don't be the one who's saying 'no' either.

Nine times out of ten you may not have a life-changing wonderful time. But you create opportunities for that one time that changes everything. That new best friend. That club you become an officer in that wins you a scholarship or gets you into your dream transfer university. That really fun time in college that you'll talk about for decades to come. That idea you get from a great conversation. 

When I started community college I just went to class and went home too. I didn't know there was more.

Then a girl invited me to a Phi Theta Kappa meeting. 

I said yes. 

I became an officer. Then President. 

At one of our Phi Theta Kappa meetings I learned about the Jack Kent Cooke Scholarship.

And then I won it - $110,000 that paid for my bachelor's degree and master's degree. 

That would have never happened if I'd said 'no.'

Don't wait until you're not scared or it seems easy - because you might be waiting for ever.

Just say yes.

50 Ways to Make Friends in Community College

The number one thing students e-mail me about is how to make friends in college. While some people may think students should be worried about other things - I get it completely.

The first section of my book is literally about how to make friends in college and why having a supportive and positive peer group is so important to your college success. 

We all need those positive social connections; I've read tons of research that proves just how much we actually need each other. And social media is not enough. 

So inspired by all the heartfelt e-mails I receive from community college students around the world who are anxious about making friends in college, this is for you. 

You'll note none of the ideas below includes "wait around for someone to invite you to something." This is about taking action, being bold, and taking full ownership of your entire college experience. You can do this. 

50 Ways to Make Friends in Community College

1. Join an intramural sports team (or start one)

2. Start a study group for a big test

3. Join a club

4. Start a club

5. Ask someone in class for help

6. Compliment someone in your class

7. Pass around a piece of paper asking for basic contact info from anyone who wants to be a part of a study group (or send a group e-mail if you have access to that)

8. Plan something fun to do after a group project meeting (e.g. don't leave after the work is done - invite people to do something else after, even if just a meal; or plan a celebratory outing once you turn in your project)

9. Get comfortable with rejection: making new friends requires boldness, courage, and effort. Keep asking and inviting and don't take it personally if no one shows up. It doesn't say ANYTHING about you. People get stuck in their routines and it's hard for them to break out. Keep asking and eventually you'll find people you really click with.

10. Be bold and ask your classmates to connect with you on social media; instead of just commenting on their pictures online, make comments in person before/after class to start conversations (just don't be stalkerish...)

11. Get a part time job at the college that involves meeting/helping students

12. Go to tutoring or become a tutor

13. JOIN A CLUB

14. Study abroad

15. Go to ANY kind of conference or trip that your college offers

16. Join an honors or other specialty program (see if there is a Phi Theta Kappa chapter on your campus!)

17. Sit somewhere else in class if the people around you aren't very talkative/friendly

18. Don't be afraid to (kindly) jump into conversations you hear around you (nothing personal, of course, but when others are discussing general topics)

19. Start conversations in class about random topics of the day (e.g. what's trending on twitter, the latest goofy video, pop culture, news, etc.). Just ask "hey has anyone seen/heard....?" And watch what happens. (My fav way to quickly get the news each day is the Skimm.)

20. Ask a question of the whole class to get conversation going

21. Be the smartest person in the room (e.g.if you always go above and beyond in your classes people will quickly recognize it and ask you for help)

22. JOIN A CLUB

23. If you can, commit to being on campus all day for at least two full days so you have plenty of time to schedule hangouts and go to club meetings. To make friends you have to be willing to make time. 

24. Do your homework ahead of time so you have plenty of time to socialize

25. Form a consistent study group that meets weekly to do homework together and hang out (be the organizer, book a study room with the library or scope out a good place on campus) *but of course still study on your own; study groups should be more for reviewing information and hanging out

26. Volunteer at a local organization you care about. Making friends in college doesn't always have to mean your friends have to be in college too. Get involved in your community and socialize that way; I also recently read that giving social support to others is actually even more beneficial than receiving it.

27. Sign up for a peer mentor program (see if your college has one; if not - start one!)

28. Be a peer mentor

29. Invite five people on your social media out to lunch/coffee (or whatever your thing is) each week (usually only one will actually work out each week, so it's best to ask a lot of people). 

30. See if your college has a game room and hang out there (lots of friends were made around the pool table at my community college)

31. Visit your student life office and ask about clubs as well as other events and opportunities. Go to EVERY one you can and see what clicks.

32. E-mail the student life office right away and find out when Club Recruitment is so you don't miss it (this is when clubs set up tables to recruit new members). Go to this each semester and talk to every table until you find the people or organization you click with. 

33. Join as many clubs and attend as many events as you can the first semester. Get involved, go to events, help out wherever possible. Then decide which one you really want to commit to wholeheartedly and become an officer.

34. Start an event or initiative on your campus. Like-minded people will follow.

35. Start or join a book club

36. If you can afford it, move out of your parents house and re-create the dorm experience by getting an apartment with some roommates near campus

37. Don't be afraid to hang out with "old" friends IF they're still good friends. You should branch out and make new friends in college, but it doesn't mean high school friends should be tossed aside just because they're "old" friends. DO distance yourself from any friends, high school or college, who are bad influences. Focus on hanging out with people who encourage you, believe in your college/career dreams, and genuinely want the best for you.

38. Resist the comfort of your phone. Turn it off before class and make conversation instead. Nothing says "I'm not interested in making friends" more than being on your phone, even if of course that's not the message you're trying to send. It usually means "this feels awkward so I'm going to be on my phone." Embrace the awkward and make friends in class. 

39. Join a club

40. Join a club

41. Join a club

42. Join a club

43. Join a club

44. Join a club

45. Join a club

46. Join a club

47. Join a club

48. Join a club

49. Join a club

50. Join a club

Most colleges realize that socialization is important. That is why clubs exist at every college! It is by far the easiest and best way to make friends in college. 

You'd also be surprised at the leadership skills you already possess - if you don't see what you're looking for don't be afraid to start something new. There are most likely other people looking for the same thing. 

Choose your friends wisely and surround yourself with people who want to do well in school. 

Join clubs that seem fun, and then have fun! If you focus on having a great time in college, doing things you enjoy, and prioritizing your success, you'll find yourself with a wealth of opportunities and surrounded by some pretty outstanding people. 

Be brave. Be bold. Start things. Invite people. Keep trying. And remember that most of the people you talk to will be so grateful that you reached out to them. 

For more advice on making friends in college and building the kind of college community necessary for success, check out my book Community College Success. :)

College To Do List Week 6: Make plans with friends

The holidays are a great time to spend with family, but the free time from college can also offer you some time to spend with friends (without all that exam stress hanging over you). 

I travel a lot during the college semesters, but like you in the winter time I get a little break. In addition to spending time reading and planning for next year, I also try to spend as much time with friends as possible. 

And it's wonderful. 

But, as I'm sure you already know, as you get older more effort is required to hang out with friends. Schedules get busy and thus plans (ahead of time) have to be made.

So today my charge to you is to not sit around waiting for someone to ask you to hang out. Be proactive, and start making plans with people you enjoy spending time with.

Don't worry if everyone can't always hang out - keep asking until some plans are made. I'm sure you already know what would be fun to you, but here are some ideas:

Coffee/tea
Theme parks
Movies
Holiday events in your community
Lunch/Dinner
Bake/cook at your place
Sleepover
Video games
See a play
Play a sport
Sign up for a 5K and train with friends
Trivia nights
Hiking/biking
Do Christmas shopping together
Have a wrapping party 
Volunteer with a non-profit

So pick an activity and text a friend. Then laugh and enjoy this study-free time for all it's worth.

How to start a conversation in class

Ever wonder how to make friends in class? At this point you may have already done so, but it can't hurt to brush up on your skills. Use the tips in the video below to get a study group together for your upcoming exams, or use them to prepare for your first days of summer classes. :)

Ask Isa: What do you do when a friend unfriends you on Facebook?

A question submitted to Ask Isa:

Dear Isa, I’ve noticed in CC (especially when you’re in the honors program) you make a lot of close friends! It’s been a few years after we've graduated, and one of my friends defriended me from facebook and twitter. I have no idea why and they did it silently, however extremely noticeably, all of our mutual friends noticed. I always thought we were friends. Should I confront her or what? Sincerely, Unfriended."

Dear Unfriended,

Ugh it is an awful feeling when you notice someone you thought was your friend has done the dreaded "unfriend" or "unfollow" on social media - especially if you weren't expecting it. 

It is wonderful to make close friends in college, as I also did with the people I met in my honors program. However, I graduated community college six years ago and we rarely talk anymore.

I think the world of them and would do anything for them in a second, but for the most part we've all moved on in our lives. It happens, and it's natural.

We have many friends for only a season in our lives. While it is lovely for those who meet people in high school or college and stay friends forever, it is rare. It's completely okay if your friendships in college don't last forever.

When it comes to "unfriending" on social media, some people do it with a variety of theories in mind. For some crazy reason yes, your friend might have decided she doesn't like you anymore. But she also might be trying to simplify her social media, intending to keep only the people she feels really close to now, or a variety of other reasons. 

If you feel like you and her have grown apart naturally, there is no need to confront her about it. 

However, if it does bother you and that awful feeling isn't going away, there is no reason why you cannot (maturely) ask her why you were unfriended. 

Keep it casual and say something like: "Hey_____, I hope all is well. I still think about all the times we had doing_________ in the honors program and miss you. I know this might be awkward, but I realized recently you unfriended me on Facebook and Twitter. Is everything okay? I just wanted to make sure I didn't do anything that upset you..." 

Of course write it in your own words, but keep it light, kind, and not defensive, because you don't know the reasons yet. 

One time I noticed an "unfriend" from a co-worker that made me feel bad and I wanted to know what happened. 

I asked her about it in person and it turned out she was just unfriending all the people who worked at our company because she realized she wanted to keep her Facebook separate from work and that it was nothing personal; she still liked me. I felt so much better, and once I got a new job we became Facebook friends again. 

Social media adds new nuances to friendships. There are many rules to breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, but none for "breaking up" with friends, which can make those unexpected unfriendings really awkward and uncomfortable. 

But whatever happens, stay positive and mature, wishing the other person the best whatever his or her reasons, apologizing if you did do something you feel was wrong, and then move forward.

Some people are worth your time and effort to mend the relationship, and I recommend doing that as much as possible, as much as in your control. But sometimes, it's out of your hands and all you can do is let go, move forward, invest in the friends you have, and enjoy accepting new friend requests when they come your way :) 

Sincerely,

Isa

Have a question for me? You can submit it anonymously in the Ask Isa inbox :)

The power of coffee in college

Okay, so, while I loved the free coffee in the cafeteria before my 2 PM class, this isn't what this post is about. 

It's about the times I spent (and still spend) in a café with a friend. I just finished sipping coffee out of a beautiful teacup with a former SGA president I advised when I worked at a community college. She has an amazing story - she got all D's in high school and just didn't care about what she was going to do in her future.

And then, when she got to community college, everything changed. She found her motivation and a community of people to support her. She graduated community college with a 3.9 GPA and is now working in the national Public Allies program for a semester and will transfer to a four-year university this Spring.

I'll share more of her story with you in the Spring when the Public Allies application opens again, but I wanted to give you an idea of who she is so you can see how she inspired me.

I started this blog while I was working in a community college. It was the students I met like her, the students I now get to meet when I speak, students like you, who inspire me more than anything else in the world. 

The thing is, it took effort for us to get together, because we both have busy schedules. But everyone can find 15 minutes for coffee. And the best part is,  once you start, that 15 minutes often turns into an hour or two, and you don't even notice. 

Because face-to-face conversation is like a triple-shot espresso.

Invite someone out for a quick coffee (or tea, or lunch, or whatever you love) and just talk. I had those kinds of café conversations daily in college and I loved them. Today, I have to work a lot harder to make them happen, but I always feel a million-times better afterwards. 

So choose your favorite place, grab a friend, and enjoy the "caffeine" rush of time spent with a good friend :)