The mentoring gap

It started out like any other typical Saturday night. 

My husband and I went out to dinner. We ate (too many) chips with salsa before our meal came. We talked. We laughed. We enjoyed the outdoor Florida nighttime air. 

Our meals came, and as we ate I couldn't help but overhear the conversation at the table right next to us. (I promise I wasn't being weird and nosy, but, you know, when you're just eating and not talking outside and there's no music, you can't help but hear what's going on around you.) 

From what I heard, it was clearly a mom, a dad, and a young man home for the summer from college. They were just having a nice family dinner, just like I was. But something was very different about their family dinner than any I'd ever encountered. 

After spending so many years immersed with low-income and first generation students, I'd forgotten this other world. 

During the course of a simple Saturday dinner, this young man was given a wealth of advice and support from his parents regarding college and his future.

The purpose of the dinner was not to lecture him. It wasn't to discuss his future. It just sort of happened, naturally, in between laughs and talk of other things.

By the time I was halfway through eating my mac-and-chorizo the dad had already related what medical school was like and how he got through it, and the mom was reminding her son why he had earlier decided he didn't want to be a lawyer. Both parents then gave him some advice and leads for his internship plans for this summer and next summer. 

In short, they had a very positive mentoring session. 

It was also obvious that this was a high income family. They talked about the young man's high school - the best private school in my area. The dad was a doctor. These were wealthy people, and this was an example of what a casual saturday night could look like in a high income family.

I saw these relationships all the time when I was a private SAT/ACT tutor. It wasn't just about parents who cared - I had parents who cared. And I would imagine wealth doesn't automatically make you a caring parent.

This was something different. It was parents who cared and who'd been there. They had this vast well of knowledge to draw from and pass along to their kid. A cycle of wealth. A cycle of success.

I spent most of my time thinking about how to create these similar relationship exchanges to help break the cycles of poverty that are all around us. 

I got in the car that night and said to my husband, almost teary-eyed, "how do you compete with that?"

And by "you" I meant of course all the students who don't have those kinds of Saturday-night mentoring sessions with their strongest role models - their parents. 

But here's the thing, I think you can compete. These types of conversations are vital to success, but it's okay if you don't happen to have them in your family.

That is where I believe other crucial support systems come in. Teachers, mentors, professors, school staff, college staff, non-profit staff, etc. That is why I'm constantly emphasizing those relationships and conversations in my speeches. 

We need the formal stuff, the systems, the processes, the programs, all that - but we also need to remember the importance of those informal one-on-one conversations. The moments where you can talk about what you want to do with your life, what's going on in your life, and have someone who cares about you and who has some experience help you figure things out. 

And not just once, but often, consistently. 

We all need this. I still need it! I was just on the phone with an important mentor in my life last week asking for advice. 

I wrote my book so that I could give community college students the tools to ensure that no matter where they come from they can build that community of success. 

There is a mentoring gap. But it's not too late to fill it. 

And I for one am thankful to all the unsung heroes out there who are having conversations like the one I heard that Saturday night, with students who, while they may not be their sons or daughters, are treated like they are anyway. 

What Harvard & Community College Students Have in Common

According to a recent article in The Atlantic, The Harvard "first-year experience unfolds under the supervision of an entire team - a freshman adviser, a resident dean of freshmen, a proctor, and a peer-advising fellow. Residential house tutors and faculty advisers lend support later."

The article goes onto compare that with community colleges, saying "community-college students are largely on their own. Student-adviser ratios in the two-year sector are abysmal in many schools: they can run as high as 1,500-to-1."

What stuck out to me when I read this?

Harvard students need just as much support as you do to be successful.

I see this lack of understanding and support affect low-income students all the time - they come up against an obstacle, feel alone, and assume that they must just not be college material. 

But, as I tell students in my speeches, no one does college successfully alone. 

Every student needs a solid support network. Colleges that are smart enough and/or have the funding know this and try to build it into the system.

But not every college understands how important this is, and some just don't have the funding. 

Which is why I do what I do. The system requires change to meet the needs of 21st century students - and while I hope to affect positive change at scale one day, my main goal is you right now.

You can't wait for the system to figure it out. And the good news is YOU have the power to create your own success network; that's why I wrote my book.  

So even if your college isn't surrounding you with advisors and mentors it's your job to surround yourself with them. They are everywhere. It's up to you to make the most of the opportunity to build that network. It can change your life and is necessary for college success.

Here are some places to start looking:

1) Your college's advising office
2) Your professors' office hours
3) Your college' student life office 
4) Your college's career center
5) Your college's tutoring center

Harvard students have a team and you should too. Build one and watch your potential grow. 

Our Go-To Guys (or Women)

I was watching TV last night, and on came a commercial starring Charles Barkley – he is now the spokesperson of Weight Watchers.  (This may be the greatest spokesperson-company arrangement of all time.) 

And seeing him got me thinking about those commercials for T-Mobile that he used to do with Dwayne Wade. The ones about T-Mobile’s “Fave five.” 

Since I used to have that plan on my cell phone, I would always think about how interesting that concept is – the idea that we should have a circle of people who are our “go-to guys.”  I was to have a group of five people who I would expect to call, to text, to engage with more than anyone else on my contact list.

These were to be my “Favorite Five.”

So I started thinking about this same concept and how it can apply to the rest of our lives. Lots of us think of this concept socially - but I think that the concept can and should go further than that.  

While it is great to have friends that are your go-to group, have you thought about who your go-to guys outside of friends and family might be? 

What mentors, professors, or professionals are in your life?  Who will you have no problem calling for help when the time comes? 


It probably isn't as easy of a question to answer as what five friends would you put in your phone - it certainly wasn't for me when I first started college.  

And that is because it takes work to develop those relationships, it is really at the heart of my book, but I think it is undoubtedly worth it.  And it isn’t a process that starts and then stops – it is certainly ongoing. 

So let’s make that a goal for all of us this year. We can get started on it right here, right now.  

First, let's make a list of those adults in your life that can offer some sort of professional or academic advice, and highlight those on that list that you wish you could learn more from. 

Next, make it a goal for yourself to cultivate those relationships as the calendar year goes forward. 

Time is on your side – these are projects, and relationships are fluid – they develop, not always instantaneously. 

But the work is worth it – like I wrote in this piece on coaches – you need older adults on your side. 

Because the more people who see that amazing potential you have, the better. 

Weekend 4Cast: Mentors, Social Boom!, Harry Potter, and Sun Dresses

Happy Thursday Everyone. The weekend is almost here and I am actually heading on an airplane right now to Hawaii and am unbelievably excited. 

* Weekend 4Cast *

Compilation of all of the things I'm dying to share with you. 

-  Random - 

I have found the best way to learn about anything is to learn from someone who has been there and done that. I have learned almost everything through the guidance and generosity of professionals who have shared with me their time, their wisdom, and their life story. Do you have mentors in your life? 


It is easier than you think.  Just start asking people you admire for their story and their advice. You'll be amazed at who will talk with you if you simply ask. The best place to start is StudentMentor.org. This was started by two passionate young people dedicated to you and the power of mentorship. Registering is so quick and the rewards  - incredible. 


- Movies - 
I am more excited/nostalgic than I thought I'd be for Harry Potter. 

SUCCESS magazine recently featured David Heyman, the Harry Potter films' producer, and he mentions that the young actors were able to stay relatively grounded because they did the filming in a small town in England. Isn't interesting how environment affects things...especially the Hollywood environment?

- Fashion -

Speaking of environment, I am so beyond ecstatic to be able to wear nothing but sun dresses, flip flops, and hats for the next two weeks. I tried on a new dress I got for the trip complete with hat and big necklace and thought yes, this is me. 


I often miss the freedom I had in college to wear my favorite clothes (enjoy it while it lasts :). And if you're in a working culture where your favorite style isn't appropriate for work, plan as many activities on the weekends and vacations when you can break out your favorite pieces. There is something freeing about it. 


- Books -
Are you making the most of your social media presence?As I'm sure you've realized by now, social media is so much more then telling your friends what you had to eat that day.  It affects so many aspects of our lives - especially your future career. Social media can help you find a job, land a job, make connections, build a positive image, and even make money. You have to know how to market yourself to get a job after college. And you don't want to be caught marketing yourself in a way that seems self-obsessed. 

Social Boom! by Jeffery Gitomer taught me so much about Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and YouTube and I have already connected with incredible people I would have never met if I hadn't read this book. No matter how technological things get, business and getting jobs will always be about people. In Social Boom! Gitomer explains how to use technology to make sure you stand out and connect with people who will help you reach your goals. A++++