An overachiever's guide to failure and uncertainty

Overachiever: someone who's good at following the rules, going the extra mile, getting the A; also adept at avoiding failure.

That's not Webster's definition, it's just the first thing that came to my mind.

Hi, my name is Isa and I'm an overachiever. 

My overachiever's nature has led me to deeply explore the world of success, who gets it, what makes it, how hard you have to work to get it, what it requires, etc.

And the kind of success I tend to admire most is the kind had by the rule breakers, the artists, the creators, the entrepreneurs, the inventors, the leaders. 

By nature I'm not a rule breaker. I'm a rule follower. I'm not comfortable with risk, adventure, uncertainty, and, the big one, failure.

For the most of my life, this served me well.

School was made for overachievers. We're lucky in that. Privileged in fact. Overachievers can continue to follow the rules and do very well in life.

But what about the brand of overachievers who aren't interested in careers where rule-following matters. What if you want to overachieve at something that's scary, risky, and requires lots of failure along the way?

If that describes you, then this is just for you; it's something I wish I'd had before I set out on my journey of trying to overachieve in the world of risk and uncertainty.

An Overachiever's Guide to Failure and Uncertainty

1 - Drown out the noise
There are a lot of rules around you, a lot of paths, a lot of people telling you what success is. Sometimes as overachievers we get so wrapped up in the definitions being put upon us (we're good at that, remember? There isn't a class we can't ace, a syllabus we can't follow) but we rarely stop and think about our real values and priorities, and how we really want to define what success means in our lives. 

Find a quiet place, grab a notebook or a great journal, and start by writing out what success really means to you - if judgement, money, and rules weren't a factor, what would success really look like in your life? Forget about every other expectation or expected path, and just write like no one's judging (or grading ;)).

2 - Read books about people you admire
Once you've really thought about what success looks like to you, find some books about people who have achieved that kind of success. Pay close attention to their failures and the uncertainty in their path. What risks did they have to take? What happened when they failed? What kept them going? Why did their pursuit matter? When did they have to evolve their dreams? Who helped them along the way?  

Write down the insights you gain and find someone to talk with about the ideas you gleam.

3 - Admit failure and uncertainty
There's often a pressure to seem like you have it all together. "You don't know your major yet!? You don't have a five year plan?! You must be the worst person ever." Okay, so it might not always be that dramatic, but it can feel that way sometimes.

Don't be afraid to answer these questions honestly, especially when talking to friends. Admit that you are still trying to figure it out. Some of the most successful people I've met aren't afraid to say "I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up." 

I've noticed that most of the successful people I admire, talk to, and read about, seem to embrace uncertainty and failure like friends. It's not that the processes are fun (they're not!) but they understand that they are a mandatory part of the journey.

There's nothing like being given permission to admit you're unsure and afraid. Be honest and give others permission to talk about the failure and uncertainty in their lives. When you admit your failures/uncertainties, you can almost see people relax, their shoulders drop, their breathing slows, and they think, "ahh, finally, I don't have to pretend. We can be real here for a moment." 

Create those conversations and bask in the honesty.

4 - Know that it's the worst
Okay, so, as an overachiever I've got to be honest: I hate failure and uncertainty! If you're one of those people who are all zen about failure and uncertainty then good for you, please share your tips in the comments below. But here's the honest truth, as an overachiever, I've found that it's not about having to love failure and uncertainty - it's about learning how to survive it and then let the act of surviving it build your confidence instead of tearing it down permanently (even if it does shake it for a while).

Failure curls me into a little ball on the stairs, in wracking sobs. Uncertainty makes me feel like I'm having a panic attack on the inside while moving in slow motion on the outside. 

Knowing that coming up against setbacks (and sometimes feeling terrible about it) is normal (and a required part of success) is what keeps me from giving up. Steps 1-3 are what keep me going forward.

When you do hit a wall, a setback, a failure, or a moment when you're almost paralyzed by the uncertainty of your future, know that it's okay if it makes you feel terrible. Talk to someone. Don't go through it alone. It's okay to cry. It's also okay to adjust your direction. Sometimes it's good to quit. The key is just not to give up on you. 

And be careful not to "avoid failure" so much so that you also avoid the kind of success that might mean the most to you, the kind of overachieving that you really dream of, the kind that is impossible without risk and uncertainty, the kind that might involve breaking a few rules (or being okay with a B...;)). 

"Success and failure are not two separate roads...success and failure are on the same road, just picture success farther down that road." - Dr. Cathy Collautt

How to Get Good Grades in College

How good does getting good grades feel?

You'll have to see the episode below to find out. ;)

But seriously, it feels great. And if you haven't experienced the elation of getting straight-A's, this video will show you how it can be possible. 

(spoiler alert: I dress up like a pageant queen and a wrestler; I'm waiting for my oscar nomination in the mail any day now.)

The 5 Stages of Failure: How I felt when Harvard said no

Author's Note: I decided to share the personal experience below because of all the e-mails I've received over the years from students who've failed a test or a class or come across an obstacle MUCH greater than not getting into a dream graduate program. This is for you. Do not give up. 

If you've been following this blog you know I recently interviewed as one of the top 50 for Harvard's EdLD program in Boston last week. It seemed as if I was one of the youngest being considered by far, and thus I did not make the top 25 who were accepted into the program.

I found out last Friday night and to say I was crushed is an understatement.

It's been 5 days and I feel like I've been going through something that reminded me of the 5 stages of grief, but for failure. I'm no psychologist so I am completely making this up, but here's what happened to me:

Stage 1: Embarrassment
The first thing I said when I found out was: oh my gosh I'm going to have to tell everyone I didn't get in. I'm so embarrassed. 

Stage 2: Denial
Maybe they made a mistake. Yes! I'll get an e-mail and they'll be like, "sorry Isa, even though we're Harvard we just don't have it together and sent you the wrong email, you actually DID get accepted." That e-mail did not come. 

Stage 3: Self-loathing
Even though rationally I know failure is integral to success and have read dozens of books on how to bounce back from failure, none of it worked in that moment. 

For example, platitudes like "you can get bitter or get better" went through my head. I knew I would get better. I knew I would come out of this. I knew I was still dedicated to my mission of helping students break the cycles of poverty through education. But in that exact moment I still felt bitter. 

And I questioned my worth completely. These questions consumed me: what am I doing? why am I trying so hard? what made me think I was good enough for this? should I just give up? have I set my sights too high? am I just the worst? am I not cut out for this? am I even making a difference? 

This is the ugliest place to be, and for a few days I felt absolutely numb. It's a place I knew I could not or would not stay, but it seems impossible not to visit, even for a moment, when failure happens.

Stage 4: Acceptance of Encouragement
Though embarrassment is what I felt first, I knew I needed to get the telling of my failure over with. 

I emailed the handful of people who directly helped me get to the interview process with their advice and recommendation letters. I e-mailed close friends and family who'd been encouraging me all along. And I made the dreaded Facebook announcement.

Then what happened next honestly shocked me. People said the kindest things that reaffirmed my worth and future, including the wonderful Harvard professors and current EdLD students who'd offered their gracious help in my application and interview process.

Now of course, you know I'm the first to tell anyone that college acceptance does NOT define you. But like all advice, it's easier said than felt, especially in the depths of initial failure. 

I decided to sit back and just soak up what others were saying.

When I was in the self-loathing stage it would have been easy to just say "oh they're just being nice" or "what they're saying isn't actually true." But instead I decide to let the encouragement wash over me. 

I decided to believe what people were saying was true, even if I didn't feel it in the moment. 

Stage 5: Hope
Because of other people's encouragement I began to hope. I wish I could say I had the strength all by myself and didn't need anyone to help me overcome this failure.

But that's just not true.

And in fact, my book is all about why other people - peers, professors, and professional mentors - are integral to success.

We all need other people to tell us what they see in us in the dark times when we just cannot feel it ourselves. 

So let yourself go through the process, whatever that means for you, but don't do it alone. Tell people about your failures. Ask them for advice. Use failure to think about what you really want and other ways you can still get there. 

What also helped me hope again was my mission statement: helping students break cycles of poverty through education.

While I'd failed at one of my goals that I thought would help me get there (i.e. getting into Harvard) I knew this wasn't the only route available. I could come at it from other directions, and that is just what I will do. 

Failure is not easy at all. Even knowing that pressing on after failure is a requirement for success doesn't make it any easier in the moment. In fact it's even harder than all the books prepared me for. 

In the moments when I felt heartbroken, hopeless, and numb I felt like I was also failing at "failing forward," which made it even worse. 

I think it's important to acknowledge the sadness. I no longer believe that people who find success after failure are those who never go to that dark place - I think the key is just that they don't stay there. 

Fail hard. Fail again. Build your strength. Don't do it alone. Act even when you don't have motivation. And write down what really moves you - that thing you really want, that you're really working for; that thing that moves you, excites you, motivates you. That thing that will keep you going even when your immediate goals don't work out. 

Have you written it down yet? Go ahead. Do it now. Read it every morning. And keep going. 

What to do when you fail a class

From the #AskIsa inbox:

Dear Isa,

I am worried and scared because I think I just failed a class this semester. I know, I shouldn't have failed a class for any reason but it happened. So, I need some advice on what to do now.

I am aware of the impact it will have on my GPA and I know I will have to retake the course. Is there something I can do to not make it look so terrible (when in fact it is) for when I do transfer? This is so strange for me because I've never failed a class..

Sincerely,

Failed

Dear Failed,

Thank so much for reaching out. I'm so sorry about your failed class - that must be so difficult to deal with. But fear not - failing a class can be overcome.

Below are a few things that I hope will help:

1) Check out The Chatty Professor's blog and book - she shares a lot of content about failing classes and how to talk to professors. 

2) Set an appointment to talk with your professor immediately. Take ownership of why you failed and ask the professor for advice on what you can do differently next time.Try to uncover why this happened and do your best to learn and grow from this experience. 

3) When it comes to transferring, many college (and scholarship) applications give you a small space to explain any special circumstances or discrepancies on your transcript. Use what you learned from your professor and write about how you were able to learn from failure, continue moving towards your goals, and stop it from happening again.

If an application doesn't offer this space, think about how you can incorporate this failure experience into one of the essays. 

The most successful people are often the ones with the most failures. They learned from their mistakes, changed, grew, and kept on going. Your ability to overcome this failure, stop it from happening again, and then become able to communicate it in a positive way will set you up for success in your future college and career journey. 

Sincerely,

Isa